WHALES PROTECT ‘ENDANGERED’ JAPANESE

Whales in their thousands yesterday signed a petition to the international community to stop “scientific experiments” on the Japanese.

Big Wal, a 12-ton adult male minke whale, said: “We first noticed something was wrong with disruptions in their patterns of seasonal migration. Around this time of year, we normally observe them sailing out into the ocean in big boats and shooting us in the head with ginormous steel harpoons, before rendering us down and taking us off for ‘scientific experiments’ in restaurants and food retail establishments all over the South Pacific.

“But this year there’s been hardly a peek from them. This is really worrying.

“We did some preliminary studies and found that they’d been inadvertently frying themselves in experiments in furnishing their homes and businesses with heat, light and power for various domestic and industrial appliances.

“It’s got to stop. The Japanese are an endangered species.

“And we kinda know how that feels.”

THANK YOU AND GOODBYE

We are sorry to announce that this will be the final edition of this spoof news site.

Despite strenuous efforts on the part of our hardworking staff, it has come to light that the real news media are already a complete joke.

We would like to thank our readers for their support over the years.

Gordon Brown has a slight cold.

IMMIGRANT IN MARRIAGE SCAM … ACTUALLY, S*D THIS

A German immigrant has been discovered throwing a huge wedding in order to furnish some sort of pretext for his secure position in British society, at the receiving end of a huge wad of publicly-funded benefits.

The crafty Kraut claims to come from Wales, despite his family’s extensive links with the international militant Hanoverian Protestant movement. Loony MPs voted to let them stay permanently. He now has several palatial homes, all of them funded by the taxpayer.

“Prince” William Mountbatten-Windsor (28) … actually, I’m bored now. Finish this one off yourself. Just stick in something about the Windsors in the flesh being the sort of people Jeremy Kyle himself would blush to televise. That should round it off nicely. I’m off to the pub.