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In Uncategorized on June 9, 2010 at 11:41 am

The Coalition government yesterday embarked on a savage round of public service cuts by blowing twenty billion desperately needed quid on a gigantic, completely useless bomb.

The Trident missile programme is a state-of-the-art military technology package, fully equipped with every feature of modern weapons systems except for someone to point it at.

‘We’re still at the procurement stage and finalising the details,’ Defence Secretary Dr Liam Fox told salivating defence correspondents. ‘Implementation-wise, we’re completely on top of the Hoiking These Things Around the Ocean All Day Every Day In Giant Submarines stage, and we’re confident that we can meet our targets regarding Being Able To Shoot Them Up In The Air, which means that the Plonking These Bad Boys Down At Any Point on the Earth’s Surface We Choose Programme is also pretty much on schedule. This means that we will shortly be able to give our full attention to the final stage of the programme, which is Finding Someone To Drop Them On. This, admittedly, is a real challenge. After all, as you can perhaps appreciate, whole civilisations which genuinely deserve to be reduced to heaps of charred, corpse-strewn rubble aren’t the sort of thing which comes along every day. The development of whole societies from foraging Stone Age bands to urban industrial civilisations must be measured in centuries, if not millennia. Moreover, now Russia’s gone all nice, the statistical majority of extant civilisations don’t altogether merit total and apocalyptic annihiliation at the flick of a switch. So, realistically, we have to be patient.

‘We’re looking at the possibility of pointing the nukes at small, scattered cells of low-budget Islamist fanatics deeply embedded in large populations of innocent civilians. Or people on ASBOs. Or immigrants. Anyone, really, to be honest. But, thus far, none of these groups have successfully gone on to constitute huge, totally evil civilisations. So it’s still early days.

‘I’ll tell you one thing, though. When it happens, we’ll be ready.’

Sir Geoff Armchair-Hoon, shadow defence spokesman, said: ‘What many civilians sometimes fail to appreciate is that these things go WHOOOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! WHOOOOOOOSH!! BOOOOOOOM!! in a really, totally cool way. They’re sick, man. Like, totally ill. I mean, like, you’ve got these huge black submarines just schmoooooooozing around the oceans, like really deep, deeper than whales and everything. Then you go LOAD! AIM! TARGET! FIRE ONE! FIRE TWO! Like that, and one minute you’re walking down the street, and then the next minute this thing lands on you and, like, you’re totally, totally vaporised. Like not even smoke. Just VAPOUR. COLOURLESS GAS.

‘I mean, how ****** cool is that?

‘Regarding the targeting issue, the services position is this: na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, I’m not listening, I can’t hear you, I’ve got my fingers in my ears and I’m singing very loudly, so there, so nurr, no returns.’

Britain’s brave heroes gave the news a cautious welcome yesterday.

‘Er … could we have proper helmets and guns instead?’ said one general, who asked not be named. ‘Or something useful like that, maybe?


Sir Dick Norman, CEO of Qataqlizmiq Industries, Inc., said: ‘Cheque? That will do nicely, sir. Oh, one moment, sir. I think sir will find sir has forgotten to add a couple of noughts on the end. Yes, perfectly satisfactory. Thank you, sir.

‘See you for golf.’

Dr Fox was briefly detained yesterday by police on suspicion of biting small children in the cradle with his feral instincts and sharp, pointy teeth. He was released without charge and is expected to fend off calls for a mass cull.

  1. Brilliant, thank you sir 😀 I’ve linked to you from my blog, btw 😉

  2. I love this. Simon, your blog is amazing.

    Read by Will McGee, produced by Sage Tyrtle, written by The Man.

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