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In Uncategorized on June 12, 2010 at 1:21 am

An enormous torrent of bullshit is swilling back and forth in the mid-Atlantic tide tonight after attempts to seal the flapping cake-holes of government officials and oil executives met with failure yesterday.

Enviromental experts say they are ‘deeply concerned’ by their inability to stem continuous outpourings of crude hogwash from leaks in the faces of London mayor Boris Johnson, BP chief executive Tony Hayward, and President Barack Obama.

‘The situation is critical,’ sweating ecologists told reporters. ‘Boris Johnson alone has been emitting gallons of crud continuously since February 1986 and shows no sign of tailing off. We tried capping him with a gigantic bucket-shaped concrete plug attached to the main gantry of an oil platform. It was fun, but thus far, it’s had no practical effect. As a result, a huge slick of highly toxic bigotry is now heading westwards for the Atlantic coast, where it’s running into currents of vaguely slimy insinuation emanating from Washington, forming a lethal cocktail of putrid baloney. BP have been cleaning up very efficiently for some time, and efforts to wash their hands of the issue entirely have intensified in recent weeks. But nothing’s stopping the bullshit.’

Bullshit is a naturally-occurring substance which is essential to the smooth running of modern society. Most forms of technology and commerce would be impossible without it. The crisis, however, threatens complex and irreplaceable ecosystems. All along the southern US coast, parasitic federal safety regulators spend their entire life cycle in the pockets of large, free-ranging oil barons, assisting the seasonal migration of petrodollars in ways which scientists still only partly understand. Seen through a microscope, which they never are, large organisms like oil corporations are, in fact, colonies of millions of tiny front companies with long tentacle-like filaments reaching into several governments. Their origins and nature, however, remain mysterious. When the corporation as a whole is threatened, the buck is instinctively passed from company to company. This is believed to have evolved as a form of camouflage, but, when cornered, corporations squirt out jets of noisome, inky-black codswallop to deter attackers. Politicians adopt a similar tactic to attract a vote. Both are ferocious predators but extremely sensitive to daylight.

Efforts to contain the leaks were continuing last night.


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