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CAMERON: IF YOU DON’T BE GOOD THE NASTY DEBT IS GOING TO EAT YOU UP. AND THEN YOU’LL BE SORRY. LOOK, I’M PICKING UP THE PHONE. HELLO? MISTER DEBT? YES, THEY’RE ALL BEING VERY, VERY NAUGHTY

In Uncategorized on June 15, 2010 at 6:39 pm

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, yesterday warned the country to brace itself for eye-wateringly excruciating cuts to public spending and services, as part of the Coalition government’s campaign to cut public spending and services.

‘Sorry, chaps,’ he told a packed press conference. ‘It’s going to feel a bit like epilating yourself intimately with tweezers. That’s just how it is. There’s nothing I can do.

‘Apart, that is, from running the government at the same level of nominal debt that it’s kept up since the Dark Ages without anyone even noticing. But we need to see the big picture here. The point is, the last thing we need, at this ticklish moment in the economic cycle, is to keep money flowing through the hands of the evil-smelling, hideously misshapen peasants who constitute 87% of the population of western industrial economies. If we did that, they’d only spend it, after all, and that might even stimulate the recovery, like it did in the 1930s.

‘And then I’d lose the only pretext I’ll ever have to force you shiftless proles back down the mines where you belong. Sorry, not the mines. You know what I mean. The call centres. Or something.

‘What I’m saying is that I’m not about to pass up a once-in-a-lifetime, gilt-edged excuse for diverting a huge wad of public finance from the Bradford-based lesbian knitting co-operatives who have been squandering it since 1997, to – well, since you ask, to Rupert and Charles – you know, people like that.

‘So suck it up, guys. The hard, unpalatable truth is that from now on, it’s Big Society for you, and High Society for me.

‘This is a historic opportunity and we must have the courage to seize it.’

The deputy prime minister, Mr Nick Clegg, said: ‘What Dave said.

‘Dave and I are in full agreement that we really need to deal very carefully with this historic level of debt in order to milk it properly before it sorts itself out. Which it has every chance of doing if we keep public spending levels on the generous side. Like every sane economist since the Age of the Englightenment would advise us to do. But what do economists know? Economists? How many of them have ever run a hedge fund? Come on.’

Adam Smith, John Maynard Keynes, J. K. Galbraith, Joseph Stiglitz, and even Martin Wolf were all turning in their graves, apart from those aforementioned who are still alive but have been rendered speechless and therefore remain unavailable for comment.

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