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GOD ‘TOLD PASTOR’ TO MAKE THE NEWS MORE INTERESTING

In Uncategorized on September 11, 2010 at 11:52 am

The Reverend Jimmy McSideburns, Jr., yesterday explained why he was planning to gratuitously desecrate and destroy hundreds of copies of the sacred text of a major world religion, probably sparking an entirely needless global bloodbath.

‘The Lord commanded me,’ he said from the pulpit at the Church of the Completely and Utterly Reformed Latter Day Saints of Little Saint Mary in the Swamp, Tampa, FA. ‘He said he was bored with the news.

‘Back in the day when the Lord made the news, rather than just get ten minutes of weedy comment on it before the Radio 4 8am bulletin when nobody’s listening, we had wars and pogroms and deportations and massacres galore, plus some really s**t-kicking temple architecture, some really decadent rituals and a lot of very interesting Indian forest temple sculpture featuring fruity minor goddesses like Urvashi.

‘Where’s all that now? God told me he wants to know. And I’m trying to rekindle the old magic. This should really get them going, shouldn’t it? With any luck it’ll make the Mongol sack of Baghdad look like an episode of Midsomer Murders.

‘His will be done. Amen.’

Professor Richard Dorkins, a very clever man, said:

‘Most people think I’m just a shallow, self-satisfied bigot, but in fact I find a great deal to commend in Pastor McSideburns’ argument. At least, I find his particular brand of bloodthirsty mumbo-jumbo a great deal more refreshingly honest than the watery liberal Christianity of university-educated people like the Pope or Rowan Williams, who I find, much to my frustration, can always beat me hands down in a straight argument. So you have to admit it. Now we live in a secular world, you can’t open a newspaper without dying of boredom. We’re in the throes of a massive global recession, for Pete’s sake, and you might at least expect to get some serious gangsters and organised crime, or maybe a world anarchist revolution brewing in the sprawling shanty-towns of Swindon. But nope. Nothing. The headline news is they’re going to privatise the post office, the Camerons have dropped another sprog, and Wayne Rooney’s doing lap-dancers.

‘Pastor McSideburns is guaranteed to plunge us all back into the Dark Ages in a way that I suspect will do my public profile no end of good.

‘I might even write a book about it.’

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