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Archive for November, 2010|Monthly archive page

EX-MILITARY TO RETRAIN AS TEACHERS

In Uncategorized on November 26, 2010 at 1:19 pm

The Education Secretary, Mr Maurice Throve, yesterday announced plans to fast-track ex-servicemen into teaching positions in the drive to bring order and discipline back to Britain’s struggling schools.

‘Young people need to learn order and discipline,’ he explained. ‘And it’s a well-known fact that standing in straight lines wearing the same clothes as everyone else and having your life completely controlled by unquestioning obedience to orders is excellent preparation for life in the real world. It’s not simply a matter of having a sudden influx of traumatised ex-squaddies desperately in need of gainful employment in some highly regimented institutional environment, in case they crack and start robbing banks. Ex-servicemen are famous for their ability to adapt to life in civvy street, and for the inventive range of coping strategies they adopt, such as alcoholism, addictive substance abuse, homelessness, and violent recidivism.

‘These are exactly the kind of people we want to exert a decisive influence over the rising generation. People who will do literally anything for approval and who can’t cope if they aren’t being being told what to do all the time by someone else.

‘These are core Coalition government values. For instance, it’s all Nick Clegg ever does.’

Nick Clegg was unavailable for comment.

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AMNESIA EPIDEMIC CONTINUES

In Uncategorized on November 26, 2010 at 1:14 pm

Another world war broke out in Korea last night as clashes continued between North and South Korean troops, leading to the likelihood of nuclear escalation backed by communist and capitalist superpowers in China and the US.

Meanwhile, global warming continued at a galloping rate, leading to the catastrophic meltdown of all human civilisation.

Rebecca Snorton, of the News Institute, said: “I’m say here going through the papers and all I’m looking at is 200 photographs of Kate Middlemiss’ dress.

“You can see right through it. It’s all fairly flimsy and transparent, isn’t it?”

NEWS IN BRIEF

In Uncategorized on November 25, 2010 at 10:41 am

Americans celebrate Thanksgiving as Prince William announces his engagement
Lecturers support student occupations: ‘anything that gets them on campus for a change’
Radical plan to beat rail crowding: carriages on trains

STUDENTS BATTLE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS – NO CASUALTIES EXPECTED

In Uncategorized on November 25, 2010 at 9:48 am

Police yesterday put their feet up, boiled the kettle and let roving street gangs of students and Liberal Democrats sort it out by themselves.

Sir Paul Condom, chief Metropolitan Officer of the Police, told angry protesters:

‘Give us a shout if you need us. We’ll be watching the football in this portakabin.’

One Liberal Democrat was treated for hyperventilation.

REMEMBRANCE DAY ‘MAKES PEOPLE MORE FORGETFUL’

In Uncategorized on November 24, 2010 at 11:41 am

Experts expressed concern last night about the apparent epidemic of absent-mindedness and plain dithery amnesia caused by the recent Remembrance Day celebrations.

The popular military knees-up, widely believed to increase alertness and improve information storage and retrieval in the human brain, actually has the opposite effect, experts warned.

Professor Norman Dimble, of the Neurological Institute, said:

‘Contrary to received opinion, which holds that Remembrance Day is about remembering things, it is now abundantly clear that it … hang on, just let me check my notes.

‘Ah yes, here we are. There has been a consistent trend in recent years for people to forget about nearly everything in early November. Many people, for example, have entirely forgotten that it’s getting on for a century since the Second World War, and even continue to behave as if it was still happening, although, when questioned more closely, 89% agreed “strongly or fairly strongly” with the statement that “World War Two happened because Hitler was naughty.” Someone at the BBC’s forgotten that Remembrance Day is a day at all, and started calling it Remembrance Week.

‘Although levels of poppy-wearing for the armed forces are reasonably buoyant, levels of wearing a daffodil for ambulance drivers remain at catastrophically low levels. We’re in meltdown, quite frankly. Also, levels of wearing an orchid for the police or doctors, or possibly a small arrangement of peonies and love-in-the-mist for teachers or nurses, also remain stubbornly low. Richard Dorkins is wearing a Galapagos triffid for evolutionary biologists, and that’s about it. It’s like forgetting to buy flowers for your girlfriend’s birthday, but replicated on a pandemic scale across the entire public sector. We have no idea why it’s happening and we have no idea how to stop it. We used to, but nobody wrote it down and now the moment’s passed. Who are you, by the way?

‘Come to think of it, who am I?’

Julie Warren (15), an unemployed single mother from Swindon, said:

‘Well, what do they expect, making it Poppy Day? It’s like calling it Skunk Fortnight or Hash Week. If they want people to remember things and pay attention, it needs to be about coke. Or, at the very least, Red Bull.’

Kate Middlemiss, the recently-appointed Empress of India, said,

‘Yah. No, really. I’m so, so worried. It’s almost like the whole country has this weird hang-up about squaddies.’

Miss Middlemiss was recently found sleeping in the cinders at the insistence of her two older sisters. If elected queen in April 2011, she will be the first British noblewoman in over three centuries not to look like an elk.

HEIR TO THE THRONE ‘IS BIOLOGICALLY ADULT’

In Uncategorized on November 22, 2010 at 10:55 am

England rejoiced yesterday as it became only too apparent that the heir to the throne can, after all, successfully fulfil basic biological functions such as orgasm.

Rebecca Snorton, of ConstitutionWatch, said: “For over three hundred years the basic weakness of the British constitution has been the extraordinary limited neurological functioning of the royal family. Two thousand years ago, they could just about swing a battleaxe, if reminded to grasp it by the blunt end. But, in 1716, following the War of Simpkin’s Sweetbreads, the Act of Succession divested the House of Hanover of their basic political function of being first in line for a good butchering by French dragoons or Barbary Corsairs, and their main role became just sitting around waving a curiously-shaped golden stick twice a year in Parliament. All this inactivity has taken its toll on the gene pool, and nowadays, in most respects, the average member of the House of Windsor is level pegging in evolutionary terms with a reasonably gifted sea-cucumber, or one of the simpler species of algae and lichen. They react to direct sunlight a bit, but mainly they just drift in shallow, sunlit seas, browsing on driftwood and other marine wastes, which they ingest through a kind of tube thing that also serves as an anus. We estimate it’ll be maybe another three hundred million years before they evolve a spinal column and make their first tentative moves onto dry land.

“All of which is fine, but the political stability of the United Kingdom rests on their capacity to spawn a Protestant male heir once every generation. As you can appreciate, even that’s setting the bar quite high, so it’s a matter of considerable concern.

“We’re therefore delighted that William appears to have developed basic, rudimentary libidinal functions at puberty, just like everyone else, and – who knows? – may one day lose his mess entirely and saddle future generations with another weirdly toothy throwback with eyes very close together and a face like a shoe, just like James Hewitt did. Sorry, did I mention James Hewitt? We’re not supposed to talk about him. It’s in the contract. Shit. Don’t you dare quote me. I’ll deny and sue. I shit you not. Never heard of the bloke. I’m serious. That’s it. That’s your lot. I’m going now. Fuck. If this gets out, I’m finished.”

TWO MINUTES’ SILENCE AS BRITAIN TRIES TO REMEMBER THE POINT OF POPPY DAY

In Uncategorized on November 11, 2010 at 7:38 pm

Silence fell across Britain at eleven hundred hours today as Britons everywhere stopped what they were doing and tried to remember what poppy day was for.

Millions wondered in dignified silence whether it meant war was good or bad.

“It all seemed so simple when I was a kid,” said Steve Parkin (39), manager of a small double-glazing firm in Hemel Hempstead. “Hitler was bad and soldiers were good and soldiers felt sad if you didn’t wear poppies.

“Put it that way and it’s a bit of a no-brainer, isn’t it? But where does that leave me now? On the one hand, it’s obviously really bad that all these blokes are coming back from Afpak with bits of them missing. And it’s also not great that, in the end, we failed to turn Iraq into a giant American oil-drilling platform cum aircraft carrier. On the other hand, it’s equally obvious that they’re all really brave and good for going out there to fight. So I don’t know where I am with it all, to be honest. I feel a bit like how Louis Walsh probably felt when he was signing Jedward. Very much in two minds about the whole thing.

“Like millions of my fellow-countrymen, I’ll be taking two minutes out at eleven o’clock to try and figure it all out.”

The feeling of the nation was perhaps best summed up in the dignified words of Albert Scrape (117), the last surviving British veteran of the Battle of the Somme.

“I didn’t leave my balls on a mud-spattered gun carriage in a forty-foot crater south of Verdun so that Ross Kemp could pinball around the foothills of the Hindu Kush like it was a Call of Duty extension pack,” he said. “Last time I checked, it was supposed to have been the war to end all ******* wars.

“Yeah, right. Like every drink my Uncle Ernie ever had was going to be his last.

“It’s all bollocks. Which is why I joined the Communist Party on my return from the Front in 1917. It was that or head off to Ireland and join the Black and Tans. I was a pig-ignorant seventeen year old farm boy when I joined up in 1914, and we all thought it would be over by Christmas. I left a lot of good mates in the mud for nothing and I’ve never even told my wife about it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to deliver a speech to the Anglican Pacifist Fellowship, so piss off, you sanctimonious, bloodsucking hack.

“Jesus.”

Major-General Richard Jeremy Clarkson-Hammond, Deputy Chief of the General Staff, said:

“Splendid. It’s to honour the wonderful sacrifice of really terribly, terribly nice chaps like Albert Scrape that we do everything we can to make sure that his great-grandchildren will also have to leave bits of themselves lying around some corner of a foreign field for no reason at all.

“Was that right? Er – look, can I get back to you?”

POLICE CONTAIN MASSIVE THREAT TO WINDOWSILL PAINT-JOB AS SOMEONE PROTESTS ABOUT SOMETHING

In Uncategorized on November 11, 2010 at 6:56 pm

Metropolitan Police were yesterday reported to be ‘entirely unharmed’ as efforts continued to contain the massive threat to public order and common decency posed by somebody protesting about something.

Anarchists, driven by a consuming sense of bitter injustice and grievance against something, went on a massive rampage against window-sills, plant pots, staplers, hole-punches and water-fountains at Conservative Party Headquarters, seeking publicity and media attention for something.

David Cameron, the Prime Minister, said: ‘It is entirely wrong for a minority of ill-mannered baboons to seek to spoil the fun of the law-abiding majority, who are only anxious to use peaceful means to attract publicity and raise public concern for their cause, whatever it is.

‘Decent British people everywhere will breathe a sigh of relief to learn that the threat of violence has been largely contained, and peaceful protesters are now free to continue their peaceful efforts to create a peaceful public debate about whatever it was they were worrying their little heads about.

‘There is no excuse for this kind of destructive behaviour, which only serves to get these sort of protests in the news.

‘Why, only last week, twenty thousand pacifists marched peacefully past Faslane main gate, and it just about got two lines on bbc.co.uk, which were taken down after twenty minutes to keep precious file space for updates on the Coles’ divorce. And what was it preserved this all-important and resonantly British sense of reticence and fair play? Nonviolence, that’s what. If one of the marchers had so much as chucked a pebble at the TRG, it’d have been all over the ten o’clock bulletins. And that would never have done. The British tradition of freedom of speech depends entirely on the concomitant responsibility of society at large to pay no attention whatsoever. We all have our part to play so that anyone can say whatever they want provided nobody’s listening. Violent protest upsets this delicate balance of rights and responsibilities and, unless firmly checked by the smack of firm government, creates the very real risk that things might actually change a bit.’

Efforts to contain the violence were continuing last night.