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In Uncategorized on November 22, 2010 at 10:55 am

England rejoiced yesterday as it became only too apparent that the heir to the throne can, after all, successfully fulfil basic biological functions such as orgasm.

Rebecca Snorton, of ConstitutionWatch, said: “For over three hundred years the basic weakness of the British constitution has been the extraordinary limited neurological functioning of the royal family. Two thousand years ago, they could just about swing a battleaxe, if reminded to grasp it by the blunt end. But, in 1716, following the War of Simpkin’s Sweetbreads, the Act of Succession divested the House of Hanover of their basic political function of being first in line for a good butchering by French dragoons or Barbary Corsairs, and their main role became just sitting around waving a curiously-shaped golden stick twice a year in Parliament. All this inactivity has taken its toll on the gene pool, and nowadays, in most respects, the average member of the House of Windsor is level pegging in evolutionary terms with a reasonably gifted sea-cucumber, or one of the simpler species of algae and lichen. They react to direct sunlight a bit, but mainly they just drift in shallow, sunlit seas, browsing on driftwood and other marine wastes, which they ingest through a kind of tube thing that also serves as an anus. We estimate it’ll be maybe another three hundred million years before they evolve a spinal column and make their first tentative moves onto dry land.

“All of which is fine, but the political stability of the United Kingdom rests on their capacity to spawn a Protestant male heir once every generation. As you can appreciate, even that’s setting the bar quite high, so it’s a matter of considerable concern.

“We’re therefore delighted that William appears to have developed basic, rudimentary libidinal functions at puberty, just like everyone else, and – who knows? – may one day lose his mess entirely and saddle future generations with another weirdly toothy throwback with eyes very close together and a face like a shoe, just like James Hewitt did. Sorry, did I mention James Hewitt? We’re not supposed to talk about him. It’s in the contract. Shit. Don’t you dare quote me. I’ll deny and sue. I shit you not. Never heard of the bloke. I’m serious. That’s it. That’s your lot. I’m going now. Fuck. If this gets out, I’m finished.”


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