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In Uncategorized on November 24, 2010 at 11:41 am

Experts expressed concern last night about the apparent epidemic of absent-mindedness and plain dithery amnesia caused by the recent Remembrance Day celebrations.

The popular military knees-up, widely believed to increase alertness and improve information storage and retrieval in the human brain, actually has the opposite effect, experts warned.

Professor Norman Dimble, of the Neurological Institute, said:

‘Contrary to received opinion, which holds that Remembrance Day is about remembering things, it is now abundantly clear that it … hang on, just let me check my notes.

‘Ah yes, here we are. There has been a consistent trend in recent years for people to forget about nearly everything in early November. Many people, for example, have entirely forgotten that it’s getting on for a century since the Second World War, and even continue to behave as if it was still happening, although, when questioned more closely, 89% agreed “strongly or fairly strongly” with the statement that “World War Two happened because Hitler was naughty.” Someone at the BBC’s forgotten that Remembrance Day is a day at all, and started calling it Remembrance Week.

‘Although levels of poppy-wearing for the armed forces are reasonably buoyant, levels of wearing a daffodil for ambulance drivers remain at catastrophically low levels. We’re in meltdown, quite frankly. Also, levels of wearing an orchid for the police or doctors, or possibly a small arrangement of peonies and love-in-the-mist for teachers or nurses, also remain stubbornly low. Richard Dorkins is wearing a Galapagos triffid for evolutionary biologists, and that’s about it. It’s like forgetting to buy flowers for your girlfriend’s birthday, but replicated on a pandemic scale across the entire public sector. We have no idea why it’s happening and we have no idea how to stop it. We used to, but nobody wrote it down and now the moment’s passed. Who are you, by the way?

‘Come to think of it, who am I?’

Julie Warren (15), an unemployed single mother from Swindon, said:

‘Well, what do they expect, making it Poppy Day? It’s like calling it Skunk Fortnight or Hash Week. If they want people to remember things and pay attention, it needs to be about coke. Or, at the very least, Red Bull.’

Kate Middlemiss, the recently-appointed Empress of India, said,

‘Yah. No, really. I’m so, so worried. It’s almost like the whole country has this weird hang-up about squaddies.’

Miss Middlemiss was recently found sleeping in the cinders at the insistence of her two older sisters. If elected queen in April 2011, she will be the first British noblewoman in over three centuries not to look like an elk.

  1. It’s not new. Every year the great British public forget that winter follows autumn, and get all surprised that it’s suddenly cold, or there’s some ice, or worse… SNOW (gasp!). Seriously, you watch. It’ll be TRAFFIC CHAOS season any day now.
    And: “…not to look like an elk” Bahahahaha!

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