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Archive for December, 2010|Monthly archive page

GLOBAL WARMING ‘TO BLAME’ FOR USELESS SPELL

In Uncategorized on December 29, 2010 at 6:11 pm

Scientists have blamed global warming for the severe uselessness recently endured across Britain.

After the roads of Britain were clogged with seven-foot-high drifts of packed wreckage, and fierce cross-winds caused by Audis and BMWs speeding across the acres of black ice into a three-lane gridlock obscured by thick fog, Professor Norman Dimble, of the Institute for Weather, said:

‘In the run-up to Christmas, clearly, Britain has seen the heaviest outbreaks of suicidal stupidity since records began, and the sharpest drop in average levels of personal responsibility.

‘Trains from Thurso to Inverness are still being mysteriously held up by frozen points just outside Swansea and nobody in my street appears to know what a spade is, still less use one for shovelling snow. All they want to do is phone the council, and they would undoubtedly do so if the lines weren’t down.

‘Across Britain there’s a punishing seven degrees of fecklessness on the Numty Scale and the severe conditions of blanket gormlessness are causing the country to grind to a standstill. It was even worse before the thaw. God knows what would have happened if there’d been more than five millimetres of snow.

‘Paradoxically, however, global warming is to blame for the severe conditions. After all, people hell-bent on roasting their grandchildren alive in a giant global furnace of Armageddon aren’t really likely to lift a finger to clear their own front drive, are they? They’re just going to scive off work he moment they find themselves “snowed in” by a light dusting of hoar-frost. And this, in fact, is what we’re finding.’

A police spokesperson said:

‘The extreme conditions are expected to last well into the New Year. We are advising travellers to fill their tanks with petrol before leaving home, and learn to drive before taking to the roads in a car. People should only travel if they want to be somewhere else.

‘Otherwise we’re suggesting they wrap up warm and stay at home.’

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SHIFTLESS AUSSIE NERD ‘POSSESSED BY SATAN’

In Uncategorized on December 18, 2010 at 1:46 pm

Investigators have shown that Julian Assange, the shifty socialist geek responsible for Wikileaks, engaged in a series of unspecified sex crimes just at the exact moment where he became a major embarrassment to the US.

The US Attorney-General, Admiral John Kleinschmuck, said:

‘We have clear and unequivocal proof that Mr Assange is a godless deviant homosexual invert. We will be presenting presenting these clear and present proofs to Hans Blix at the United Nations Security Council. Or someone like that. Whichever Euro-zero gets to decide whether you ladies are with us or against us.

‘And we will prevail.’

Legal experts have speculated that Mr Assange’s behaviour conforms to a little-known legal treaty, the International Convention on Manifest Destiny, whereby enemies of the US always have to do something really bad, awful, and crying out for immediate vengeance, at or immediately before the exact moment they do something else which makes the Americans look silly.

The Reverend Jimmy McSideburns, recently appointed Sarah Palin’s personal spiritual advisor, said:

‘It’s simple. People in foreign countries start out normal and good, or even just tolerable. Then they start hurting America just at the moment they start doing really unforgivably bad things in general.

‘Clearly, at certain pivotal moments in their life, they are being possessed by demons of Satan, and in taking them out we are doing the Lord’s work. America is like God’s drainage grille, straining the floating turds out of the mighty, flowing river of the human spirit as it streams towards the New Jerusalem.

‘Amen.’

Mr Assange is expected to contest the allegations.

BRAIN SURGERY AFTER TRUNCHEON BLOW TO STUDENT

In Uncategorized on December 10, 2010 at 3:06 pm

Surgeons worked late into the night on emergency operations after a student protester, Alfie Harkin, was coshed on the head by police.

Mr Harkin (19), a sociology student from Loughborough Queen’s University, received a blow to the head while trying to leave the police kettle in Parliament Square.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said:

“Following the incident, several officers were immediately rushed to hospital, where they are currently undergoing surgery to implant brains in their heads.

“We’re hoping that this will make them think twice before beating the crap out of slightly-built, unworldly teenagers like Alfie Harkin.

“Once would be nice, obviously.”

Mr Harkin said: “I want my mum.”

CHARLES AND CAMILLA MOBBED: THE WORLD REACTS

In Uncategorized on December 10, 2010 at 1:40 pm

The international community reacted strongly last night to reports that Prince Charles and his consort, the Duchess of Wherever Cornwall I Think, had been lightly bounced in their car by an angry mob of anarchists chanting “Off with their heads.”

Barack Obama, the US President, said:

“People of Britain, I have this to say: what took you so long? We ditched the losers in 1776. And look at us now. We’re the richest and most powerful country in the world. Even our conservatives make your radicals look timid and hidebound. But better late than never. To British people everywhere, I say: welcome, at last, to the eighteenth century.”

Speaking later via Wikileaks, President Obama went on to say: “******* limey *******s. What the **** do I care if they execute the ******* queen or not? ****s. *****.”

The President of France, M. Nicholas Sarkozy, said: “People of Britain, I have this to say: what took you so long? We ditched the losers in 1789.”

Similar sentiments were expressed by the presidents and prime ministers of China, Russia, Germany, and most African and South American states, although obviously the exact dates cited varied from country to country.

A spokesman for a shaken but resolute Prince Charles issued the following statement from Claret House yesterday:

“I am commanded by His Royal Highness to express his heartfelt humility and gratitude at having had the opportunity to fulfil, at the cost of considerable personal risk, his traditional role of filling the news headlines with gossipy claptrap and keeping the issues out of the limelight. For instance, since the regrettable attack on the royal cavalcade, everyone has now completely forgotten the point, which is that nobody can afford to go to university, with the result that the tattered remnants of the knowledge economy are about to get flushed down the can, taking our prosperity and credibility as a modern nation with them. You’d be hard put to find a single person who cares two hoots about this now, whereas before, lots of people were a bit worried about it.

“This shows that the time-hallowed consitutional traditions of this country still have a role to play in the modern world.

“God Save the Queen.”

Speaking via Wikileaks, His Royal Highness, Prince Philip, the Duke of Stirling, said:

“Shame they didn’t kill the little **** when they had the chance. He’s not mine, you know. If he was, he’d have just shot them all on the spot. Same as I would have.”

Julian Assange was not available for comment, but everyone else was.