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In Uncategorized on December 29, 2010 at 6:11 pm

Scientists have blamed global warming for the severe uselessness recently endured across Britain.

After the roads of Britain were clogged with seven-foot-high drifts of packed wreckage, and fierce cross-winds caused by Audis and BMWs speeding across the acres of black ice into a three-lane gridlock obscured by thick fog, Professor Norman Dimble, of the Institute for Weather, said:

‘In the run-up to Christmas, clearly, Britain has seen the heaviest outbreaks of suicidal stupidity since records began, and the sharpest drop in average levels of personal responsibility.

‘Trains from Thurso to Inverness are still being mysteriously held up by frozen points just outside Swansea and nobody in my street appears to know what a spade is, still less use one for shovelling snow. All they want to do is phone the council, and they would undoubtedly do so if the lines weren’t down.

‘Across Britain there’s a punishing seven degrees of fecklessness on the Numty Scale and the severe conditions of blanket gormlessness are causing the country to grind to a standstill. It was even worse before the thaw. God knows what would have happened if there’d been more than five millimetres of snow.

‘Paradoxically, however, global warming is to blame for the severe conditions. After all, people hell-bent on roasting their grandchildren alive in a giant global furnace of Armageddon aren’t really likely to lift a finger to clear their own front drive, are they? They’re just going to scive off work he moment they find themselves “snowed in” by a light dusting of hoar-frost. And this, in fact, is what we’re finding.’

A police spokesperson said:

‘The extreme conditions are expected to last well into the New Year. We are advising travellers to fill their tanks with petrol before leaving home, and learn to drive before taking to the roads in a car. People should only travel if they want to be somewhere else.

‘Otherwise we’re suggesting they wrap up warm and stay at home.’


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