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Archive for February, 2011|Monthly archive page

CAMERON ‘FORGOT’ NICK CLEGG EXISTED

In Uncategorized on February 24, 2011 at 7:50 pm

David Cameron was yesterday laughing off an off-the-cuff remark made in the heat of the Libyan crisis.

Confronted with urgent concerns for the welfare of hundreds of stranded British oil workers, he said:

“Ask Nick.”

Aides insisted that Mr Cameron had only been joking.

AMERICA, BRITAIN POISED TO NOT INVADE MIDDLE EAST

In Uncategorized on February 19, 2011 at 12:39 am

The whole Middle East was not bracing itself last night for an invasion by US forces, backed by Britain, Belgium, Puerto Rico and Grenada.

Allied troops were not taking part in a massive build-up on the Turkish border. Nail-biting negotiations weren’t taking place at the United Nations, seeking to hammer out the wording of a last-minute resolution designed to ensure the legality of the coming war.

The streets of London were not thronged with millions of anti-war protesters.

Bombs were not raining down on Baghdad.

Not speaking from the White House, President Not George W. Bush, backed by British Prime Minister Not Tony Blair, didn’t say:

“We remain uncomfortably aware that the Arabs are still sitting on an oil-soaked sand-dune conveniently placed to act as an intercontinental ballistic launch-pad pointed at China. So we are watching developments with keen and concerned interest.

“However, looking back on the events of 1991 and 2003 with the benefit of hindsight, we have been forced to conclude that the Arabs really do want to get rid of their dictators and they really do want to install a genuine democracy, where they get to vote for the government they think will act best in the interests of a free, independent, prosperous Middle East, for the long-term benefit of the region and its peoples.

“You can imagine how that plays on Capitol Hill. And let’s not even talk about the Knesset.

“So like f*** are we going to invade the Middle East. The f****** sand-n*****s are on their f******* own.

“Maybe we can issue a statement cautiously expressing some concerns about the human rights situation, but that’ll have to wait, realistically. Wait, ideally, for some obscure trade delegation about eighteen months after the dictators bounce back and consolidate their position with some nice, brutal clampdowns.

“Or, alternatively, eighteen months after the minority Islamofascist fanatics hi-jack the uprising and turn the whole Middle East into a primitive, misogynistic pseudo-theocracy.

“Whatever. Not my problem, basically. It is for the Arab peoples of the world to determine their own destiny.”

Speaking from the federally-funded Valley Forge Retirement Home for the Permanently Desensitised, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld dribbled:

“And still everyone thinks I’m the bad guy.

‘Well, frankly, who gives a s**t any more?”

MOVIE MOGULS: THATCHER ‘WAS A MILF’

In Uncategorized on February 10, 2011 at 9:30 am

Hollywood supremos insisted last night that Margaret Thatcher, the former prime minister, was not the robotic, glassy-eyed, walnut-brained bigot you remember from the living nightmare of your childhood in the 1980s.

Instead, say top producers, she was a bit like the teacher you secretly fancied at school, in that slightly creepy, mumsy way that you never wanted to tell anyone about.

Announcing plans to continue to ongoing slew of film and TV adaptations of the life of the former politician, they revealed that Margaret Thatcher was to be played by a series of really perfectly nice, and, indeed, attractive human actresses, like Andrea Riseborough and Meryl Streep. The movies would focus on Mrs Thatcher’s human side, portraying her as a blushing, vulnerable but passionately determined woman, striving, dewy-eyed and panting, for success and recognition in the man’s world of the 1980s.

“You probably remember Lady Thatcher as a bit like a cross between Ena Sharples and the inside of a Dalek,” said Rupert Murdoch (87). “In focus groups, we found that 87% of people associated Margaret Thatcher with a kind of metallic, rasping bleating noise. 49% linked her with these sort of glassy, staring eyes which peered, gorilla-like, out from under a pair of very bony Frankenstein eyebrows, some distance above a nose like the rudder of the sinking Titanic, and a mouth like a chicken’s anus – if a chicken’s anus had the jagged, shovel-like incisors of a vampire carthorse. 97% associated Mrs Thatcher with the total collapse of British society, the decimation of entire industries, several low-grade civil wars and serious miscarriages of justice, one pointless imperial adventure, two decades of permanent teetering on the brink of global nuclear apocalypse,¬†and the transformation of Britain from an inefficient but basically humane industrial community into a nation of sixty million selfish, infantile, narcissistic suburban desk-jockeys, supporting a small underclass of unemployable drug addicts and self-pitying benefit scroungers. Life for Thatcher’s generation has felt a bit like being born down Coronation Street and growing up on Jeremy Kyle.

“Given all this, it’d be really, really terrible if people noticed how low we’ve sunk. Even the royal wedding isn’t quite enough to throw the great British public entirely off the scent. So what we want to do is make a bunch of retro feelgood movies showing Lady Thatcher’s sexy, human and vulnerable side, precisely because she didn’t have one.

“I mean, if, after all these years, they still think of Lady Thatcher as a hag-like, robotic psychopath, that might have knock-on effects for the Coalition, because Cameron’s even worse. We really are going to close all the libraries, privatise the BBC, and sell the entire internet to Sky TV, and, unlike the 1980s, there’s no political opposition at all. Unless the Labour Party counts. Which it doesn’t, does it? Obviously.

“So the reality is, we’re going to shaft Britain worse that we shafted it three decades ago, and there are obvious political risks associated with that, so the watchword is: softly, softly catchee monkey.

“We’ll also be making a movie which seeks to imply that the most terrible tragedy about the 1930s was the King’s speech impediment.

“But that’s another story.”

The Trades Union Congress was unavailable for comment.