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MOVIE MOGULS: THATCHER ‘WAS A MILF’

In Uncategorized on February 10, 2011 at 9:30 am

Hollywood supremos insisted last night that Margaret Thatcher, the former prime minister, was not the robotic, glassy-eyed, walnut-brained bigot you remember from the living nightmare of your childhood in the 1980s.

Instead, say top producers, she was a bit like the teacher you secretly fancied at school, in that slightly creepy, mumsy way that you never wanted to tell anyone about.

Announcing plans to continue to ongoing slew of film and TV adaptations of the life of the former politician, they revealed that Margaret Thatcher was to be played by a series of really perfectly nice, and, indeed, attractive human actresses, like Andrea Riseborough and Meryl Streep. The movies would focus on Mrs Thatcher’s human side, portraying her as a blushing, vulnerable but passionately determined woman, striving, dewy-eyed and panting, for success and recognition in the man’s world of the 1980s.

“You probably remember Lady Thatcher as a bit like a cross between Ena Sharples and the inside of a Dalek,” said Rupert Murdoch (87). “In focus groups, we found that 87% of people associated Margaret Thatcher with a kind of metallic, rasping bleating noise. 49% linked her with these sort of glassy, staring eyes which peered, gorilla-like, out from under a pair of very bony Frankenstein eyebrows, some distance above a nose like the rudder of the sinking Titanic, and a mouth like a chicken’s anus – if a chicken’s anus had the jagged, shovel-like incisors of a vampire carthorse. 97% associated Mrs Thatcher with the total collapse of British society, the decimation of entire industries, several low-grade civil wars and serious miscarriages of justice, one pointless imperial adventure, two decades of permanent teetering on the brink of global nuclear apocalypse, and the transformation of Britain from an inefficient but basically humane industrial community into a nation of sixty million selfish, infantile, narcissistic suburban desk-jockeys, supporting a small underclass of unemployable drug addicts and self-pitying benefit scroungers. Life for Thatcher’s generation has felt a bit like being born down Coronation Street and growing up on Jeremy Kyle.

“Given all this, it’d be really, really terrible if people noticed how low we’ve sunk. Even the royal wedding isn’t quite enough to throw the great British public entirely off the scent. So what we want to do is make a bunch of retro feelgood movies showing Lady Thatcher’s sexy, human and vulnerable side, precisely because she didn’t have one.

“I mean, if, after all these years, they still think of Lady Thatcher as a hag-like, robotic psychopath, that might have knock-on effects for the Coalition, because Cameron’s even worse. We really are going to close all the libraries, privatise the BBC, and sell the entire internet to Sky TV, and, unlike the 1980s, there’s no political opposition at all. Unless the Labour Party counts. Which it doesn’t, does it? Obviously.

“So the reality is, we’re going to shaft Britain worse that we shafted it three decades ago, and there are obvious political risks associated with that, so the watchword is: softly, softly catchee monkey.

“We’ll also be making a movie which seeks to imply that the most terrible tragedy about the 1930s was the King’s speech impediment.

“But that’s another story.”

The Trades Union Congress was unavailable for comment.

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