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In Uncategorized on February 19, 2011 at 12:39 am

The whole Middle East was not bracing itself last night for an invasion by US forces, backed by Britain, Belgium, Puerto Rico and Grenada.

Allied troops were not taking part in a massive build-up on the Turkish border. Nail-biting negotiations weren’t taking place at the United Nations, seeking to hammer out the wording of a last-minute resolution designed to ensure the legality of the coming war.

The streets of London were not thronged with millions of anti-war protesters.

Bombs were not raining down on Baghdad.

Not speaking from the White House, President Not George W. Bush, backed by British Prime Minister Not Tony Blair, didn’t say:

“We remain uncomfortably aware that the Arabs are still sitting on an oil-soaked sand-dune conveniently placed to act as an intercontinental ballistic launch-pad pointed at China. So we are watching developments with keen and concerned interest.

“However, looking back on the events of 1991 and 2003 with the benefit of hindsight, we have been forced to conclude that the Arabs really do want to get rid of their dictators and they really do want to install a genuine democracy, where they get to vote for the government they think will act best in the interests of a free, independent, prosperous Middle East, for the long-term benefit of the region and its peoples.

“You can imagine how that plays on Capitol Hill. And let’s not even talk about the Knesset.

“So like f*** are we going to invade the Middle East. The f****** sand-n*****s are on their f******* own.

“Maybe we can issue a statement cautiously expressing some concerns about the human rights situation, but that’ll have to wait, realistically. Wait, ideally, for some obscure trade delegation about eighteen months after the dictators bounce back and consolidate their position with some nice, brutal clampdowns.

“Or, alternatively, eighteen months after the minority Islamofascist fanatics hi-jack the uprising and turn the whole Middle East into a primitive, misogynistic pseudo-theocracy.

“Whatever. Not my problem, basically. It is for the Arab peoples of the world to determine their own destiny.”

Speaking from the federally-funded Valley Forge Retirement Home for the Permanently Desensitised, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld dribbled:

“And still everyone thinks I’m the bad guy.

‘Well, frankly, who gives a s**t any more?”


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