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Archive for March, 2011|Monthly archive page

BOFFIN RESIGNS AFTER TAKING GADAFFI MONEY

In Uncategorized on March 4, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Professor Andrew Boffin resigned yesterday as deputy pro-vice Chancellor of the London School of Money, after accepting a £1.2 million donation from the Gadaffi family.

‘I made a serious error of judgment,’ he said. ‘I took money from a dictator shortly before the British government dropped him like a hot potato after years of coysing up together until wheels came off his rickety, corrupt regime. This was a serious failure of foresight.

‘As I now realise, the Gadaffi regime is every bit as bad as Hitler or Saddam, and should be treated in exactly the same way. That is to say: we should all have done serious business with Gadaffi as long as there was any money or power in it. Then, as soon as the game was up, we should all have pretended that we always hated him.

‘In fact, I did exactly that, like everyone else, but the timing was shocking and I got a bit wrong-footed. The result was that I fulfilled the first requirement diligently but fell rather short of minimum expected standards on the second. For that I have to take responsibility.’

Professor Boffin is taking up an advisory post on the newly-created board of BSkyB Independent.

MURDOCH GUARANTEES INDEPENDENCE OF THIS BLOG

In Uncategorized on March 3, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Rupert Murdoch yesterday bought a controlling stake in this blog.

The sale was approved by culture secretary Jeremy Hunt following the BBC’s recent slip-up pronouncing his name live on air.

He declined to refer the matter on the grounds that there was “only one Monopolies Commission.”

“What if they said no?” he asked journalists, at a packed news conference which Mr Murdoch also bought.

Mr Murdoch has set up a separate and independent editorial board to safeguard the independence of this blog, which is just what you’d expect from a man of his overmastering integrity, sense of fairness and justice, and towering, nay, statesmanlike stature in the arena of world affairs.

Mr Murdoch himself declined to comment.

‘PRINCE’S SPEECH’ SWEEPS BOARDS AT OSCARS

In Uncategorized on March 1, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Britflick The Prince’s Speech, starring Colin Hugh Firth-Grant and Nigella Plant-Page-Bonham-John-Paul-Jones, cleaned up at this year’s Oscars, winning gongs for Best Picture, Second Best Picture, Best Script, Best Actors, Best Costumes, Best Everything Else You Need To Make A Movie, and Best Give Them Another Oscar.

Set during the global rise of totalitarianism and the total collapse of the world economy, the film tells the heart-rending story of the Prince of Wales, played by Colin Hugh Firth-Grant. Norman Lapont plays his voice coach.

The film opens with a haunting scene in which the future King has to give a speech in public. It slowly becomes painfully apparent that all ten thousand shocked listeners can tell exactly what he is saying. The Prince refers twice to his frequent and cordial conversations with his own organic potatoes, fondly recalls the see-through dress his future wife wore at their first meeting, expresses enthusiastic support for fox-hunting and the use of Gatling guns against striking miners, and opines that concentration camps were ‘jolly good for the Jews,’ before being hustled away from the mike by concerned aides.

Following this humiliating debacle, a pioneering Australian speech therapist is brought in to ensure that the Prince’s speech is rendered inarticulate to the point of an indistinct, incomprehensible mumble. In the course of intense training sessions at his shabby Harley Street consulting room, Aussie maverick Lawrence Lodge eschews court protocol, which demands that the Prince be addressed as ‘Your Majesty’s Most Imperial Excellency,’ and repeatedly calls him by his family name of ‘You There.’ The Prince becomes speechless with fury. Normality is thus restored, and the film ends on an upbeat note as political revolution is averted, the monarchy is saved, and Britain starts a six-year world war culminating in eighty-five million deaths.

The Prince’s Speech is based loosely on real events.