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Archive for September, 2012|Monthly archive page


In Uncategorized on September 25, 2012 at 4:41 pm

A professional dominatrix has become an overnight publishing sensation with a debut novel, a steamy, explicit account of a couple’s sexual adventures.

Several Indeterminate Shades of Mottled Salmon-Pink, by Lady Jezebel Whiplash, is a no-holds-barred account of the adventures of a slightly mumsy-looking, youngish woman, who falls under the spell of her husband, a tubby, dependable bloke called Mark who frets about his moobs and is well-liked by the couple’s two young children.

In the course of their marriage, the protagonists repeatedly engage in affectionate but not exactly earth-shattering sex, most Saturday nights, after a habitual couple of pints in the Dog and Duck with Sharon, the heroine’s cousin and best friend. They regularly strain every muscle to avoid waking the kids up, and sometimes worry that things seem to have gone off the boil a bit since their student days.

The book leaves nothing to the imagination; at one point Mark is shown omitting to take his socks off.

Mistress Pitiless, a part-time gimp-flogger from Aldermaston, said:

“There’s no plot. They just have sex. That’s all. They just, like, take their clothes off and do it. In private.

“There is a bit where they pop down to the hardware superstore for a spatula and a glue-gun. It turns out Mark just wants to fix the bathroom tiles. Then he puts his back out, and she has to massage his shoulders.

“She just goes along with it. I’m sick and tired of women being portrayed in the media in this degrading and unrealistic way.”

“They go out and buy these hamsters,” said Crispin Ferret, 26, a retail sales manager from Croydon.

“To give to the kids for birthday presents. Yeah, right.”

Such dissenting critical voices haven’t stopped the book – developed from the author’s online fan-fiction, and reputedly based on anonymous interviews with real-life devotees of the so-called “B&Q/M&S” lifestyle – securing an eye-watering advance for a first novel and topping the bestseller lists for weeks.

“There’s been a sea-change in the way readers consume erotic fiction,” said DeviantWolfchild_59, a press officer for publishers Flogham and Frott. “Once upon a time nobody would own up to reading this kind of thing. And it was pretty much the preserve of seedy old men in grubby macs. But now it’s okay for anyone to read it – even women.

“If, for example, you download it to your Kindle, you can read it on the way to work, and nobody will know. Unless, of course, you get past that indefinable tipping point, and feel compelled to bring yourself off manually on the train in full view of your fellow-commuters.

“That would tend to give the game away.

“Still come to think of it, who cares? If you were on the Northern Line, you could finger-frig yourself completely senseless every two minutes from Edgeware to Friern Barnet, and nobody would bat an eyelid because they’re all too British.”

Further titles in the planned series include That Kind of Beige There Isn’t Really A Name For You Know the One I Mean and That’s Exactly What I Want the Living Room Curtains In.