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Archive for November, 2012|Monthly archive page

S.A.S. HERO FREED

In Uncategorized on November 30, 2012 at 8:23 am

A British SAS war hero was a free man again last night after judges overturned his conviction – for bringing home a SOUVENIR.

“It was a 1992 Iraqi-issue CZ-99 semiautomatic pistol. Oh, and 300 rounds of live ammunition,” said Private Dominic ‘Mad Bastard’ O’Shaughnessy (23).

“It was a present,” he added. “A birthday present. From an Iraqi.”

His mum Debbie said: “We’re delighted to have him back. I don’t know what this country’s coming to. What kind of sick mind would take a teddy bear off a poorly child?

“Well then.”

Pte. O’Shaughnessy had served three months in military prison for offences under the 1999 Unexplained Interest in Lethal Firearms Act. He was freed yesterday and is celebrating tonight with friends in Nottingham.

Mick Donald, of soldiers’ charity Support Our Brave Heroes, said:

“Common sense has prevailed.

“Who in their right mind would lock up a soldier for having a gun? It’s like locking up doctors for having drugs. Or locking up politicians for telling lies. They wouldn’t like that, would they? It’s political correctness gone mad.

“There’s no discipline any more.”

… AND FINALLY, IN OTHER NEWS IN BRIEF …

Ministers are considering plans to give prisoners the vote, because they’ve all been sent to jail.

Australia is now a small sandbank in the South China Sea, occasionally exposed at low tides, and shaping up nicely as a seasonal breeding ground for walrus.

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RECORD TURNOVER IN POLICE COMMISSIONER ELECTION

In Uncategorized on November 16, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Record turnouts were recorded in the election for the region’s new police and crime commissioner.

A 100% turnout was recorded, with 100% of voters agreeing on the choice of candidate.

‘We’re pretty confident about the figures,’ said a spokesman for South Yorkshire police. ‘We filled in the forms ourselves, back at the station house.’

Conservative ministers expressed themselves ‘delighted’ with the turnover in this important election.

‘It’s in the thousands,’ said Dominic Grief, Minister for Something to Do with the Police. ‘Appropriately enough – given the issue – most voters exercised their right to remain silent. The upshot is, we spent 20p on a mickey mouse election, and now we’re due to pocket millions in private security contracts when the new commissioners “hold chief constables to account” by flogging the police service off to G4S, lock, stock and barrel.

‘That’s quite some turnover. So let me say simply this. Don’t bother getting surprised from now on if you phone the police and find your inquiry dealt with by a steroid-pumped psychopath in a dinner jacket and earpiece, who beats you to a pulp for wearing trainers and then plants some drugs on you.

‘It’s a great day for democracy.’

SEEDY OLD RELIC “ABUSED THOUSANDS”

In Uncategorized on November 14, 2012 at 8:29 am

Britain was reeling yesterday from fresh revelations that a disgusting old man allegedly manipulated his powerful position in the media, allegedly commissioning film and TV projects for access to victims.

Behind his cuddly image, Rupert Morlock was allegedly one of the most prolific abusers the world has ever seen.

Mr Morlock was identified as the alleged ringleader in years of highly alleged abuse by a victim. The victim, identified as “BBC,” is believed to be a publicly-funded broadcaster, now in her nineties.

“For years he would call me worthless and stupid, and old and ugly, and threaten to sell me off,” said “BBC” yesterday, “until I started to believe it. Even if I only slipped up editorially one or twice on Newsnight. In a classic pattern, I am now so full of self-loathing that I cannot manage my condition in positive ways, such as sacking Andrew Gilligan or the office cat. Instead, I regularly descend into a frenzy of binges and self-harm, paying off my own director-generals, decimating my staff, and offering myself up as a wholly-owned subsidiary of News International.”

Spin doctors confirmed that this was clinically insane, and that “BBC” was now receiving some very special treatment.

Campaigners insist that justice for the real victims is being left behind in the frantic media furore. A spokesman for Mr Murdoch said:

“As prime minister of Great Britain and leader of the Conservative Party, I mean to see that those who suffered from these terrible crimes get the thousands of pounds worth of compensation which they so richly deserve.

“I refer, of course, to some filthy rich Tory grandees, including Admiral Lord Sir Bunty [Stop right there. No way are we posting even a joke name on this blog. Sorry].

“This individual is the real victim. Nothing can heal the pain, except for huge amounts of money and favourable publicity.”

Meanwhile, in a surprise dénouement, the “monster” was revealed to be Jimmy, the friendly old DJ.

“I’d have got away with it, if it hadn’t been for you pesky kids,” he didn’t say yesterday, allegedly.

SENILE CRANK ALLOWED TO STAY IN BRITAIN

In Uncategorized on November 14, 2012 at 8:23 am

“HE SHOULD FIT RIGHT IN,” SAYS HEAVILY-COBWEBBED JUDGE

Amid sensational scenes at the High Court, surreal, bomb-loving cleric Nasal Qatar was yesterday given leave to remain in Britain, on the grounds that “the country’s been owned for centuries by a pack of quarrelsome, sadistic old fascists, so one more is hardly going to make much difference.”

Speaking from the bench of the Star Chamber of the House of Horrors, Lord Chief Justice Sepulchrave of Gormenghast said:

“Mr Qatar belongs to a small, but highly enthusiastic, Levantine sect, which advocates arranged in utero brother-sister marriages for non-identical twin foetuses, and compulsory amputation for the left-handed.

“He is a workshy, Machiavellian, self-pampering, grudge-bearing creep.

“As such, he belongs very firmly in these islands, which have been home to so many whom David Icke himself would regard as strange: Rupert and Wendy Morlock; Augusto Pinochet; Bob Diamond; Boris Jonsson; even Richard Dawkins himself. Men like Nasal Qatar will always find a place in a nation which continues to resemble nothing so much as a zombie edition of Come Dine With Me meets The Stepford Wives via Village of the Damned, all viewed through the prism of bad acid.”

The ruling was greeted with dismay by leading figures at Westminster, some of whom took the unprecendented step of venturing into direct sunlight to speak to the press. David Camphorballs, the leader of the ruling Coagluation, said:

“I am, frankly, fed up with the fact that we remain frustrated in our efforts to get this dangerous individual back where he belongs, in a lock-up on the Euphrates, with some Jordanian government-issue electrodes crocodile-clamped to his shrivelled and loathsome testicles.

“For I can think of no fitter way to commemorate the dedication and sacrifice of thousands of our servicemen and women, in defence of the rights and freedoms we enjoy today, than by sending some camel-jockey back to face the music.

“I want to be quite clear: the national character of Britain depends, in the final analysis, on the leadership of its maladjusted loonies and cadaverous, glassy-eyed bigots. I have the privilege to lead the party of Margaret Thatcher, Norman Tebbit, the picture of Dorian Gray, Michael Gove, and many others, in a rich tradition of cadaverous loonies stretching all the way back to the presumed respawning of the Duke of Edinburgh, in a sealed vault in Transylvania in 327 BC. I will not open the floodgates to foreign loonies, to spread their crackpot delusions and soul-sucking emotional dysfunctions, at a fraction of the cost of a properly paid and qualified British loony.

“Now come with me, my pretty, and let us bathe, and renew ourselves in the hidden fountain of eternal youth.

“Mu-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.”

Mr Qatar’s age was estimated from beard samples to be 900 ± 50 years.

IN OTHER NEWS

Global warming has wiped out Australia. But we don’t talk about that. Bad news sells, admittedly. But not that bad.

Now over to Whitehall for a glimpse of Pippa Middleton’s sensational butt as she bends over to lay another wreath at the Cenotaph. Now that’s a sight worth two minutes of anyone’s silence, wouldn’t you say, eh, readers??