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SEEDY OLD RELIC “ABUSED THOUSANDS”

In Uncategorized on November 14, 2012 at 8:29 am

Britain was reeling yesterday from fresh revelations that a disgusting old man allegedly manipulated his powerful position in the media, allegedly commissioning film and TV projects for access to victims.

Behind his cuddly image, Rupert Morlock was allegedly one of the most prolific abusers the world has ever seen.

Mr Morlock was identified as the alleged ringleader in years of highly alleged abuse by a victim. The victim, identified as “BBC,” is believed to be a publicly-funded broadcaster, now in her nineties.

“For years he would call me worthless and stupid, and old and ugly, and threaten to sell me off,” said “BBC” yesterday, “until I started to believe it. Even if I only slipped up editorially one or twice on Newsnight. In a classic pattern, I am now so full of self-loathing that I cannot manage my condition in positive ways, such as sacking Andrew Gilligan or the office cat. Instead, I regularly descend into a frenzy of binges and self-harm, paying off my own director-generals, decimating my staff, and offering myself up as a wholly-owned subsidiary of News International.”

Spin doctors confirmed that this was clinically insane, and that “BBC” was now receiving some very special treatment.

Campaigners insist that justice for the real victims is being left behind in the frantic media furore. A spokesman for Mr Murdoch said:

“As prime minister of Great Britain and leader of the Conservative Party, I mean to see that those who suffered from these terrible crimes get the thousands of pounds worth of compensation which they so richly deserve.

“I refer, of course, to some filthy rich Tory grandees, including Admiral Lord Sir Bunty [Stop right there. No way are we posting even a joke name on this blog. Sorry].

“This individual is the real victim. Nothing can heal the pain, except for huge amounts of money and favourable publicity.”

Meanwhile, in a surprise dénouement, the “monster” was revealed to be Jimmy, the friendly old DJ.

“I’d have got away with it, if it hadn’t been for you pesky kids,” he didn’t say yesterday, allegedly.

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