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In Uncategorized on November 14, 2012 at 8:23 am


Amid sensational scenes at the High Court, surreal, bomb-loving cleric Nasal Qatar was yesterday given leave to remain in Britain, on the grounds that “the country’s been owned for centuries by a pack of quarrelsome, sadistic old fascists, so one more is hardly going to make much difference.”

Speaking from the bench of the Star Chamber of the House of Horrors, Lord Chief Justice Sepulchrave of Gormenghast said:

“Mr Qatar belongs to a small, but highly enthusiastic, Levantine sect, which advocates arranged in utero brother-sister marriages for non-identical twin foetuses, and compulsory amputation for the left-handed.

“He is a workshy, Machiavellian, self-pampering, grudge-bearing creep.

“As such, he belongs very firmly in these islands, which have been home to so many whom David Icke himself would regard as strange: Rupert and Wendy Morlock; Augusto Pinochet; Bob Diamond; Boris Jonsson; even Richard Dawkins himself. Men like Nasal Qatar will always find a place in a nation which continues to resemble nothing so much as a zombie edition of Come Dine With Me meets The Stepford Wives via Village of the Damned, all viewed through the prism of bad acid.”

The ruling was greeted with dismay by leading figures at Westminster, some of whom took the unprecendented step of venturing into direct sunlight to speak to the press. David Camphorballs, the leader of the ruling Coagluation, said:

“I am, frankly, fed up with the fact that we remain frustrated in our efforts to get this dangerous individual back where he belongs, in a lock-up on the Euphrates, with some Jordanian government-issue electrodes crocodile-clamped to his shrivelled and loathsome testicles.

“For I can think of no fitter way to commemorate the dedication and sacrifice of thousands of our servicemen and women, in defence of the rights and freedoms we enjoy today, than by sending some camel-jockey back to face the music.

“I want to be quite clear: the national character of Britain depends, in the final analysis, on the leadership of its maladjusted loonies and cadaverous, glassy-eyed bigots. I have the privilege to lead the party of Margaret Thatcher, Norman Tebbit, the picture of Dorian Gray, Michael Gove, and many others, in a rich tradition of cadaverous loonies stretching all the way back to the presumed respawning of the Duke of Edinburgh, in a sealed vault in Transylvania in 327 BC. I will not open the floodgates to foreign loonies, to spread their crackpot delusions and soul-sucking emotional dysfunctions, at a fraction of the cost of a properly paid and qualified British loony.

“Now come with me, my pretty, and let us bathe, and renew ourselves in the hidden fountain of eternal youth.

“Mu-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.”

Mr Qatar’s age was estimated from beard samples to be 900 ± 50 years.


Global warming has wiped out Australia. But we don’t talk about that. Bad news sells, admittedly. But not that bad.

Now over to Whitehall for a glimpse of Pippa Middleton’s sensational butt as she bends over to lay another wreath at the Cenotaph. Now that’s a sight worth two minutes of anyone’s silence, wouldn’t you say, eh, readers??


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