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In Uncategorized on November 16, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Record turnouts were recorded in the election for the region’s new police and crime commissioner.

A 100% turnout was recorded, with 100% of voters agreeing on the choice of candidate.

‘We’re pretty confident about the figures,’ said a spokesman for South Yorkshire police. ‘We filled in the forms ourselves, back at the station house.’

Conservative ministers expressed themselves ‘delighted’ with the turnover in this important election.

‘It’s in the thousands,’ said Dominic Grief, Minister for Something to Do with the Police. ‘Appropriately enough – given the issue – most voters exercised their right to remain silent. The upshot is, we spent 20p on a mickey mouse election, and now we’re due to pocket millions in private security contracts when the new commissioners “hold chief constables to account” by flogging the police service off to G4S, lock, stock and barrel.

‘That’s quite some turnover. So let me say simply this. Don’t bother getting surprised from now on if you phone the police and find your inquiry dealt with by a steroid-pumped psychopath in a dinner jacket and earpiece, who beats you to a pulp for wearing trainers and then plants some drugs on you.

‘It’s a great day for democracy.’

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