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Archive for December, 2012|Monthly archive page

A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO BOTH OUR READERS

In Uncategorized on December 21, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Rupert the red-top mogul

Wrote some very dodgy tracts,

And if you ever read them

You would say that phones were hacked.

He could have gone to prison

when they started naming names …

but whaddaya know? Old Rupert

found a way to switch the blame.

Someone at the BBC

went on air to say:

‘Savile with the hair like snow?

Should have grassed him. Did we? No.’

All of the MPs panicked,

rounded on the BBC;

publicly owned broadcasting

vanished into history!

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‘HANDS OFF OUR JOBS,’ SATIRISTS TELL GUN LOBBY

In Uncategorized on December 20, 2012 at 6:04 am

Exponents of satire and parody were facing the collapse of their industry yesterday as the US gun lobby remained stubbornly beyond caricature for the third consecutive quarter.

‘We’ve been hit very hard,’ said Steve Husband (43), general secretary of the Amalgamated Union of Amateur Parodists. ‘The American Gun Society now want to guard against school shootings by arming the teachers. The reception class teachers.

‘Many of our members were relying on that joke to see them through the winter, and now it’s come up in the real news, they’re facing a very tough Christmas indeed.’

The announcement comes after a difficult week for satirists, as Murdoch associates headed an inquiry into ethics at the BBC, a Conservative politician and the Metropolitan Police accused each other of lying, UKIP established itself as the third force in British politics, and nobody mentioned global warming at all.

‘We’ve been struggling for a long time to keep the jokes different from real news,’ said Mr Husband. ‘But this might very well finish us off. I mean … arm the teachers? How do you take the mickey out of that? Tell me, how?

‘How long before someone suggests arming the f*****g kids?’

CAMERON APOLOGISES FOR APOLOGIES

In Uncategorized on December 19, 2012 at 9:26 am

The Prime Minister, Mr David Cameron, has apologised ‘unreservedly and without qualification’ for his apologies.

‘It saddens me more than I can easily say,’ he said, ‘that, on so many urgent and pressing issues, we have had to wait for everyone responsible to die, or at least retire (and preferably emigrate), before it was safe for us to apologise for their actions, without landing one or two of them in prison, where they clearly belong.

‘I am additionally mortified by the chicanery to which I and my predecessors have had to resort, in order to kick all these old crimes into the long grass for so many decades, the better to achieve this corrupt and reprehensible goal.

‘I apologise for being about three years old at the time the offences for which I am apologising as Prime Minister were actually committed.

‘And I repent in sackcloth and ashes, rending my garments and weeping bitter tears of self-reproach, for all the equally dodgy stuff I am now secretly doing, for which future Prime Ministers will doubtless apologise, once I am safely dead or retired in my turn.’

‘I am, in short, so dreadfully, dreadfully, dreadfully sorry.

‘Thank you.’

NORTH KOREA PROTESTS

In Uncategorized on December 18, 2012 at 10:00 am

North Korea yesterday issued a strongly-worded condemnation of Israeli military action in Gaza and the Occupied Territories.

‘It’s not fair,’ a North Korean government spokesman said.

‘What do we have to do to be the bad guys?

‘Look. We’ve turned our whole country into one giant Auschwitz-on-the-Mekong. And we haven’t done this for any reason. Even by our own twisted logic, we don’t have to do it. The worst thing to come over the South Korean border lately is some pirate mp3s of Gangnam Style.

‘North Korea is one big torture chamber because we like it that way.

‘And how badly does that piss you guys off? Mm, let’s see …

‘… ah, yes.

‘Not at all. Not one little bit.

‘For f***’s sake.

‘You could at least post a Facebook meme about us, or something.

‘Look. I’m chucking this gigantic bomb all over the sky. Up it goes. Boom. Down it comes. Bang.

‘Oh, I give up.’

Julie Merriweather, of the Palestinian People’s Total Solidarity Campaign, said:

‘Um … I dunno. They’re Chinese, aren’t they? Or nearly Chinese. It’s probably in their culture.

‘Anyway, it’s different. I can tell you that.’

The Reverend Dr George Quibble, Archbishop of Canterbury, said:

‘It is, indeed, among the more tragic ironies of history that the Jewish people have not been more ennobled by the suffering we’ve inflicted on them.’

‘STOP THIS FILTH,’ SAYS DAILY MAIL, WITH REFERENCE TO DAILY MAIL

In Uncategorized on December 17, 2012 at 12:50 pm

The Daily Mail has loudly demanded an end to online porn such as its own website.

‘It is a disgrace that young minds are being polluted by degrading and immoral images such as those on which we rely to maximise traffic on our site,’ said editor Paul Murky.

‘As a mark of respect, we have a strict policy of publishing only fully-clothed images of Her Majesty the Queen, and, of course, members of the royal family. But otherwise, ladies, it’s strictly beachwear, I’m afraid. Or wardrobe malfunctions. Unless you can squeeze out a plunging neckline at an awards ceremony. Or a drunken taxi-door knicker shot. Something like that.

‘We take a keen and healthy interest in fashion and beauty. We don’t publish this stuff to titillate our male readers. We publish it to keep our female readers in a state of bitterly clandestine self-loathing.

‘We’re not called the Mail for nothing, you know.’

THE WEEK IN HEADLINES

In Uncategorized on December 16, 2012 at 1:15 pm

And now our weekly round-up of headlines from around the world:

PRINCE OF WALES DODGES TAX PAYMENTS TO HIS MUM

BIGOTS NOW ‘THIRD FORCE’ IN BRITISH POLITICS

WORLD OF FOOTBALL AGITATED ABOUT FOOTBALL

MAIL ONLINE DISCOVERS WOMAN IN BIKINI

BORIS JOHNSON ‘NOT REALLY NICE OR SILLY’

MANDELA ‘MAY BE MORTAL’

QUICK GOOGLE OF ‘GOOGLE’ REVEALS GOOGLING ‘GOOGLE’ IS NOW ILLEGAL

and finally, in other news in brief

WORLD HAS ‘BLOWN LAST CHANCE’ WITH TAYLOR SWIFT

TURKEYS VOTE FOR CHRISTMAS

In Uncategorized on December 15, 2012 at 11:31 am

 And now for our annual roundup on action to tackle global warming in 2012, a pivotal year in the fight to defeat the biggest threat humanity has ever faced:

Image

Well, that’s all for this year!

We hope to be still here with another update in 2013.

FRACKING GETS ‘GREEN’ LIGHT (LOL!)

In Uncategorized on December 14, 2012 at 8:04 am

The controversial practice of fracking for shale gas has been given the go-ahead by the Coalition government.

The Energy Secretary, Mr Jeremy Minister, told reporters:

‘Basically, we’re in the business of using lots of hot air and and corrosive poison to generate massive disturbances, pulverise the entire country, and make a fast buck. Sounds great, doesn’t it?

‘But anyway … you wanted to ask about fracking?’

GOVE TO RESCUE BRITAIN’S SCHOOLS FROM ‘PLAGUE’ OF CHILDREN

In Uncategorized on December 13, 2012 at 10:59 am

Michael Gove has published a radical new plan to rescue Britain’s education system.

‘We have conducted extensive research into the stubborn problem of Britain’s failing schools,’ he told a packed House of Commons yesterday. ‘All the findings point toward the same conclusion. It’s very clear what the cause of Britain’s failing schools is.

‘It’s children.

‘Our schools are infested with a plague – a pandemic – of human juveniles. Every single problem associated with schools has its root in the failure of one of these so-called children to meet statutory targets.

‘Children often fail, and, when they do achieve something, this achievement is often intensely personal and perversely difficult to measure and standardise. The resulting underperformance within schools, and in the education sector overall, is a matter of public record.

‘It is of relevance that many of the so-called teachers to whom we entrust the nation’s future are themselves former children.

‘We will therefore be containing the influence of these so-called teachers, and eventually eliminating them altogether. We will replace them all with heavily institutionalised and combat-traumatised ex-squaddies. These have the requisite qualities of basic technical competence and low self-esteem, and they are, in consequence, well-equipped, and more than happy, to do literally anything to obtain the approval of authority figures, no matter how barkingly inhuman or destructive the courses of action in which this might implicate them.

‘Such qualities of personal discipline and responsibility are exactly those which we seek to inculcate in the nation’s schoolchildren, with a view to purging schools of all children and replacing them with genetically engineered alien lizards. God Save the Queen! Weyland-Yutani Corporation Special Order 937, Science Officer eyes only. Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. Oops, an error occurred. 404. Please try again later. Whirr, click.’

AND FINALLY, IN OTHER NEWS IN BRIEF

The whole of mainland Britain is to be blown to smithereens in the last desperate scrabble for the few remaining drops of oil. Many homeowners are concerned about the effect on insurance premiums.

DAWKINS PRAISES ATHEISM IN BASINGSTOKE

In Uncategorized on December 12, 2012 at 10:48 am

Professor Richard Dawkins has welcomed news that atheism in Basingstoke is 1.9% above the national average.

Recently published returns for the 2011 census show that 47.8% of respondents in the populous commuter town opted for “atheism” in their census return, as opposed to a figure of 45.9% across the whole UK.

‘It just goes to show,’ he explained. ‘Reason marches on.’