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PANIC SPREADS AT MAYAN APOCALYPSE RUMOURS

In Uncategorized on December 10, 2012 at 2:26 pm

The world was convulsed with panic yesterday as scientists conclusively quashed rumours of an imminent Mayan apocalypse.

‘It’s all mumbo-jumbo and nonsense,’ insisted Professor Herbert Stringer, of Warwick University’s School of Eschatology. ‘On 22nd December, the world will be more or less exactly as it was on 21st.’

‘There’s no way out. We’re screwed. This is it. This is really it. I can’t believe it, I just can’t,’ sobbed Mark Wallace, a grown man from Hemel Hempstead.

‘The only thing that’s kept me going over the last few weeks is counting the minutes till things like Michael Gove and Kate Middleton turn back to vapour and stardust, drifting in the cleansing silence of the abyssal void of space.

‘I don’t know how I’m going to cope.’

Speaking to the faithful in their anguished millions by satellite link from St Peter’s in Rome, Pope Benedict XVI said:

‘Hope itself is dead. Turn now to your loved ones, and speak the few, simple, precious words that love commands.

‘For the end is not nigh.’

Meanwhile, crowds flocked to the White House for no reason, looting broke out in all major retail outlets, religious zealots flocked to mountain-tops, and a handful of loony radio jocks defied police cordons to drive towards the non-disaster zones and stream the non-apocalypse live from portable studios in their beat-up Winnebagos.

Film director Roland Emmerich said: ‘So the world isn’t coming to an end? That’s too bad. But hey – we’re going to save millions on the CGI.’

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