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In Uncategorized on December 11, 2012 at 10:01 am

Crisis threatened to engulf the Conservative Party yesterday as the growing divisions over gay marriage forced thousands of ex-public schoolboys to choose between homosexuality and bigotry for the first time in their lives.

‘For men of my age and class, bullying and buggery go together like a horse and carriage,’ said Toby Forster (36), an investment banker. ‘Trying to choose between them is like … well, could you choose between the vodka and the martini?

‘We’re having to choose between oppressing a vulnerable minority and enjoying the sordid pleasures we seek to deny others. The party’s really going to struggle over this one.’

Professor Roger Sputum, Emeritus Professor of Casuistry at Cambridge University, said:

‘This is a real problem for Conservatives, who have always insisted on the value of Christian marriage for other people. The moral principle of lifelong monogamy has formed the bedrock of a social order which enables rich and titled people to flout the moral principle of lifelong monogamy. For, without standards, there can be no double standards.

‘If we all suddenly get honest and open about things, the very fabric of our nation is threatened.

‘And anyway, it’s less fun if we’re actually allowed to do it. Quite frankly, many senior figures in the party just can’t see the point of being gay at all, if it’s not even a little bit naughty.’

London mayor Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment yesterday, because he was sitting motionless in his office, staring distractedly into the middle distance with glazed, leaden eyes and a preoccupied frown on his face. A string of drool was hanging suspended from his half-open mouth, concerned aides told reporters, and he had consistently failed to respond to urgent repetition of his name by visiting friends and family.

‘He’s been like this since about three o’clock on Monday, when we told him it was all getting to be an issue,’ a source said. ‘He didn’t even go home last night. We thought he was snapping out of it this morning, but he just muttered something to himself under his breath, grabbed a pad and biro, and spent several hours doodling what looked like diagrams. There were lots of boxes and arrows and labels, but in places – well, it was all a bit Tom of Finland by Leni Riefenstahl, let’s put it that way.

‘Clearly, the mayor is giving the issue his full attention.’


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