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GOVE TO RESCUE BRITAIN’S SCHOOLS FROM ‘PLAGUE’ OF CHILDREN

In Uncategorized on December 13, 2012 at 10:59 am

Michael Gove has published a radical new plan to rescue Britain’s education system.

‘We have conducted extensive research into the stubborn problem of Britain’s failing schools,’ he told a packed House of Commons yesterday. ‘All the findings point toward the same conclusion. It’s very clear what the cause of Britain’s failing schools is.

‘It’s children.

‘Our schools are infested with a plague – a pandemic – of human juveniles. Every single problem associated with schools has its root in the failure of one of these so-called children to meet statutory targets.

‘Children often fail, and, when they do achieve something, this achievement is often intensely personal and perversely difficult to measure and standardise. The resulting underperformance within schools, and in the education sector overall, is a matter of public record.

‘It is of relevance that many of the so-called teachers to whom we entrust the nation’s future are themselves former children.

‘We will therefore be containing the influence of these so-called teachers, and eventually eliminating them altogether. We will replace them all with heavily institutionalised and combat-traumatised ex-squaddies. These have the requisite qualities of basic technical competence and low self-esteem, and they are, in consequence, well-equipped, and more than happy, to do literally anything to obtain the approval of authority figures, no matter how barkingly inhuman or destructive the courses of action in which this might implicate them.

‘Such qualities of personal discipline and responsibility are exactly those which we seek to inculcate in the nation’s schoolchildren, with a view to purging schools of all children and replacing them with genetically engineered alien lizards. God Save the Queen! Weyland-Yutani Corporation Special Order 937, Science Officer eyes only. Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. Oops, an error occurred. 404. Please try again later. Whirr, click.’

AND FINALLY, IN OTHER NEWS IN BRIEF

The whole of mainland Britain is to be blown to smithereens in the last desperate scrabble for the few remaining drops of oil. Many homeowners are concerned about the effect on insurance premiums.

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