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In Uncategorized on December 19, 2012 at 9:26 am

The Prime Minister, Mr David Cameron, has apologised ‘unreservedly and without qualification’ for his apologies.

‘It saddens me more than I can easily say,’ he said, ‘that, on so many urgent and pressing issues, we have had to wait for everyone responsible to die, or at least retire (and preferably emigrate), before it was safe for us to apologise for their actions, without landing one or two of them in prison, where they clearly belong.

‘I am additionally mortified by the chicanery to which I and my predecessors have had to resort, in order to kick all these old crimes into the long grass for so many decades, the better to achieve this corrupt and reprehensible goal.

‘I apologise for being about three years old at the time the offences for which I am apologising as Prime Minister were actually committed.

‘And I repent in sackcloth and ashes, rending my garments and weeping bitter tears of self-reproach, for all the equally dodgy stuff I am now secretly doing, for which future Prime Ministers will doubtless apologise, once I am safely dead or retired in my turn.’

‘I am, in short, so dreadfully, dreadfully, dreadfully sorry.

‘Thank you.’


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