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Archive for January, 2013|Monthly archive page

MANSION-DWELLING TORY MINISTER TELLS DAD THAT HIS THREE KIDS SHOULD SHARE A SOFA BED

In Uncategorized on January 30, 2013 at 10:55 pm

A TORY Minister who lives between a mansion and a townhouse has come under criticism after telling a Scottish dad affected by the imminent bedroom tax that his three kids should share one pull-out bed.

This is a real story, but admit it, you couldn’t see the join till I pointed it out.

 

 

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CORPORATE TAX: PROBLEM SOLVED

In Uncategorized on January 29, 2013 at 8:54 pm

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has unveiled a ‘win-win’ scheme on unpaid corporation tax. From now on, Conservative Party donations will be offset against corporation tax. The bigger the party donation, the smaller the tax bill, on a sliding scale, penny for penny.

‘I unveiled what?’ he demanded yesterday. ‘Hang on. Oh, right. This is a spoof news blog. It isn’t real. Phew. I was worried there for a minute.

‘You’d have to be crazy to unveil something like that.’

‘PRIDE AND PREJUDICE’ TO REPLACE BIBLE

In Uncategorized on January 28, 2013 at 8:02 pm

The Queen has approved a proposal from the Archbishop of Canterbury to replace the Bible with Pride and Prejudice.

The move follows a report from the General Synod which concluded that the Bible was ‘a bit old-fashioned’ and ‘too explicit and unsettling in places.’

‘Given that catastrophic global warming is now a dead certainty,’ the Archbishop said yesterday, ‘we thought all that stuff at the end about the apocalypse would feel a bit too close to the knuckle to modern readers.

‘And the bits about avoiding war and giving all your stuff away to the poor might well give serious offence.

‘Instead, we’ve opted for a book which succeeds in making an age of global revolution and upheaval sound like a vicarage tea-party in a chintzy suburb of Hobbiton.

‘This is exactly the kind of fatuous evasiveness which, as a church, we have always encouraged, and which we feel to be especially timely in the present day and age when people don’t want to be made to feel uncomfortable.

‘It helps that people actually read it, as well, or at least watch one or two of the several billion film and TV adaptations which flood our screens every year. We’ve had half a dozen BBC Prides and Prejudices, an equal number of movie Prides and Prejudices, the Indian Bride and Prejudice, cypberpunk Pride and Prejudice, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and Pride and Prejudice on the Titanic, and soon, no doubt, we will all be thrilling to a 3-D blockbuster Fifty Shades of Pride and Prejudice. And that’s not to mention Bridget Jones movies.

‘By contrast, nobody at all has actually read the Bible for decades, apart from atheists who keep thinking they’re the first person ever to forward that hoary old Facebook thing about selling your daughter and not entering the temple on pain of death if you’ve hurt yourself in the bollocks. Which, I think, is not exactly the reaction the Bible was originally intended to elicit.’

A Downing Street spokesman applauded the move, saying:

‘On the one hand there’s a book with bits about proclaiming good news to the poor and liberation for captives, and on the other there’s a light drawing-room comedy about bone-idle parasites subsisting on the profits of gigantic Caribbean slave plantations which are never even mentioned in the text.

‘Which of those two books is going to appeal most strongly to Conservatives, do you reckon?’

The Education Secretary, Mr. Michael Gove, said: ‘Nineteenth century good. Return to rigour. Whirr, click.’

JONSSON: MY VISION FOR BRITAIN

In Uncategorized on January 25, 2013 at 8:19 am

The mayor of London, Mr Boris Jonsson, has somehow ended up festooned on the international stage as if he was in charge of anything. Experts are still trying to work out how that happened.

‘We should all jolly well buck up,’ he told a packed house as the World Economic Forum in Davos. ‘Things aren’t so bad. Not for me at least. We should stop bashing the banks simply because they got us in this mess to start with, and then sort the recession out by being terribly jolly about everything and spending a lot of money we haven’t got. It’ll all catch up with us sooner or later, but we can always have a war or something.

‘It worked for Hitler. And it’ll work for me.’

David Cameron was unavailable for comment.

CAMERON: MY VISION FOR EUROPE

In Uncategorized on January 24, 2013 at 9:52 am

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, yesterday announced his intention to pulverise Europe in a desperate bid for domestic popularity.

‘I’m rubbish at winning elections,’ he explained. ‘But, somehow, I’m in power anyway. I need to raise the spectre of some imaginary external enemy, and Europe has always done just fine for that sort of thing. Leading an assault on Europe may lead the country to further economic ruin just as it emerges from a recession, but it’ll keep me in power, and that’ll help to keep the country backward and bigoted.

‘It worked for Hitler. And it’ll work for me.’

PRINCE HARRY: THE BACKLASH BEGINS

In Uncategorized on January 23, 2013 at 7:13 pm

Controversy has been raging in the British press over Prince Harry’s recent comments, with the left-leaning Guardian calling him an ‘an old-fashioned warrior prince‘ and the fiercely anti-establishment Mirror fearlessly insisting thatboys want to be a bit like him’ and ‘girls want to be swept away’ in the ‘big strong forearms’ of ‘one of the world’s rare ginger studmuffins.’

Parliament meanwhile was locked in fierce debate over whether women or gays should be allowed to be kings or bishops, or continue in their present role as pawns and rooks.

Fringe parties on both sides of the Middle Eastern conflict have formally requested the loan of Prince Harry for a few weeks.

‘Two more words from that **** and it’s war,’ said an unnamed source yesterday. ‘It’s just what we’ve been waiting for. Just send him right over. This could be the big one at last. I can feel it in my bones.’

*

No, I didn’t make any of that up either. Except the last bit.

SOLDIER SHOOTS GUN

In Uncategorized on January 22, 2013 at 3:06 pm

Prince Harry has testified that he fired a volley of Sitting Duck air-to-surface missiles on Afghan troops from a helicopter hovering a very safe distance up in the air a long way out of range of Afghan weapons.

“It’s a joy for me because I’m one of those people who loves playing PlayStation and Xbox,” he told reporters.

Islamist paramilitaries the world over are believed to have sighed, picked up their guns, and started off on the long slog for Mali.

Following recent defence cuts, Prince Harry is now the British Army.

*

Although I make up most of this blog, Prince Harry did, actually, say that.

WEST ‘AT CROSSROADS’ IN MALI

In Uncategorized on January 21, 2013 at 5:37 pm

Western governments are locked in high-level negotiations over what to call torture in the forthcoming North African war.

‘We can’t really keep calling it Extraordinary Rendition,’ said the UK Defence minister, Paul Salmon. ‘That’s so 2010. And anyway, everyone knows what it means now.

‘We’re in very close discussion with all of our allies. We’ve been toying with Remarkable Rendition and Unusual Rendition and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Rendition.

‘But nothing really seems to really capture the spirit of the thing, which involves rounding up a bunch of innocent locals, bagging their heads up, making them stand on their heads naked for hours on end before beating them to death with live electric cable.

‘We would run an open competition to suggest a term, Big Society-style, but that would sort of defeat the object, wouldn’t it?’

Mr Boris Jonsson, the mayor of London, said: ‘F*** it, just call it the Final Solution or something. That usually does the trick, doesn’t it? Blimey.’

PANIC PANIC SPREADS ABOUT SNOW PANIC PANIC

In Uncategorized on January 18, 2013 at 8:48 pm

Britain was BURIED today under a SNOWY-WHITE CARPET of panic-stricken newsprint. FAMILIES were TRAPPED IN THEIR HOMES under SIX FOOT DRIFTS of paper.

‘We had to DIG OURSELVES OUT from under the papers,’ said Mark Hastings (34), a double-glazing fitter from Hemel Hempstead. ‘Good job we only had a light dusting of snow. The kids were really hacked off because they had to go to school, but I had nothing on, so I strolled down to our well-stocked local supermarket for a loaf of bread and a pint of milk.

‘I only bought the one pint, although there was loads of milk on the shelves, since I see no reason why suppliers should be unable to respond competently to the natural and inevitable minor fluctuations in consumer demand, and the transaction was not completed with any sense of urgency.

‘Ho hum.’

TRACES OF HORSESHIT FOUND IN SPEECH

In Uncategorized on January 17, 2013 at 2:28 pm

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has hit out at the EU.

‘We don’t want Britain to be run by a bunch of corrupt, self-serving, unaccountable nobodies from Brussels,’ he insisted.

‘We want Britain to be run by a bunch of corrupt, self-serving, unaccountable nobodies from Eton and Oxford.

‘We don’t want Britain to be run by a European Commission that nobody voted for and a toothless, tokenistic European Parliament.

‘We want Britain to be run by a Conservative government that nobody voted for and a toothless, tokenistic House of Commons.’

Horseshit is eaten openly in Europe. The British public has been eating horseshit for years, but it was labelled bullshit at the point of sale, and Britain will happily swallow any old bullshit.