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In Uncategorized on January 5, 2013 at 10:45 am

Journalists yesterday declared themselves ‘99% convinced’ that Richard Dawkins really exists.

‘It’s easy to prove that there is no God,’ said Andrew Middlewich, a slightly overweight Sunday Times feature-writer, ‘and we’ve known this for some time.

‘All you need to do is make a list of really silly things, like the Tooth Fairy and Father Christmas and unicorns.

‘Then you just add God to the list.

‘It’s simple. The results look like this: Tooth Fairy, Father Christmas, unicorns, God. There. Don’t you see it?

‘It works because of logic and reason. Really logical, rational people say logic and reason over a hundred times a day, and that’s how we know they’re being logical, because logic and reason involve saying logic and reason a lot. 

‘It’s 100% reliable. Professor Dawkins says that it’s simple enough even for ordinary people to understand.

‘All this is perfectly obvious; however, what we’ve noticed is that the same process also works in reverse. You can make a list of sensible things, and add Richard Dawkins to it.

‘This is really interesting, because we’ve been worried for some time that Professor Dawkins himself may be a hallucination. So we’ve been listing Richard Dawkins alongside some other people, who are definitely real.

‘And the results are quite spectacular. Just listen: Stephen Fry, Bill Oddie, Brian Cox, Patrick Moore, Richard Dawkins.

‘See? We’re massively reassured, as you can imagine.

‘However, we’re not 100% sure that the whole of conscious reality, as we experience it, isn’t just a huge, Matrix-like simulation. Maybe we’re all brains in jars, in some laboratory experiment, organised by giant alien lizard scientists.

‘We’re currently trying to find a list to put alien lizard scientists onto, to see if they really exist as well.

‘But we don’t know anything about their world, so we’re currently not sure what else we could put on their list.

‘Still, we’re working on it. We’re confident we’ll be publishing the findings in the next few weeks.’


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