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FLOODS DUE TO ‘REGIONAL IMBALANCES OF FAT PEOPLE,’ SAY SCIENTISTS

In Uncategorized on January 10, 2013 at 7:22 am

Flood warnings were issued for numerous locations in England and Wales as scientists announced ‘proof’ that the disruption is human in origin.

Dr Anneke Morgan, of the Centre for Climate, said:

‘It’s all down to chronic overconsumption of scarce natural resources.

‘Britain is sinking because of the weight of all the fat people.

‘This year has broken all previous records, with the highest numbers of lard-arses since records began, and the problem is worse because of the regional imbalances.

‘You can see from this graph that there are very high concentrations of fat knackers in Conservative strongholds in London and the south-east. There are much lower concentrations of tax-dodging pie-scoffers in the north and west. As a result, Britain is tipping up.

‘The south is sinking into the sea, while areas of Scotland and the Lake District are rising. We’re expecting that by 2050, Ashby-de-la-Zouche will be a seaside town on a very steep cliff, and Scottish people will be somewhere in the upper stratosphere, clinging on to the coast of John O’Groats like Leo and Kate in Titanic.’

Several solutions to the crisis have been put forward, including massive wind-turbines like giant windmills, but critics say these are not efficient enough at carving slabs of blubber off wealthy company directors in their nearby second homes. Eric Garnish, the 227-stone Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, said: ‘Most really fat people in government aren’t really concerned about this.’

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