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In Uncategorized on January 11, 2013 at 7:52 am

Schoolchildren, students, sick people and convicted criminals yesterday begged the government to start milking them like so many cash-cows.

A ‘Privatise everything now’ petition went viral overnight, garnering over twenty million signatures by 7am this morning. Surly, shell-suited urban teenagers wept tears of gratitude at the very thought of privatised academies, and hardened criminals dug tunnels out of jail simply to log on at the nearest internet cafe and register their support for privately owned super-jails.

‘School’s not bad,’ said Michelle Davies (16), of the Weyland-Yutani Academy in Wythenshawe, Manchester. ‘But what I really want to see is dollar signs in the otherwise blank, shark-like eyes of a smiling head of the board of governors.

‘That’ll really fill me with a sense of discipline and self-respect.’

‘I don’t want to get better,’ said Harriet Norman (36), a kidney dialysis patient at Huddersfield Royal Infirmary. ‘I want the hospital to get better. Better figures at the end of the quarter, that is.

‘I don’t want my care entrusted to people who think that my health is the point at issue. I want to be looked after in the medical equivalent of a drive-in Macdonalds. If I don’t like the treatment I’m getting, I can always try the next drive-in Macdonalds. Anything else would be an insult to me as a customer in the healthcare market.’

‘Obviously I turned to a life of crime because I’m genetically programmed to be poor, and therefore evil and feckless,’ said Declan ‘Fingers’ McGeraghty (56), a seasoned cat burglar and safe-cracker from Canning Town. ‘That being the case, nothing will bring me to a sense of respect for law and order – a sense that I, too, am a stakeholder in society, with all the rich possibilities this affords – than the knowledge that I’m being locked up all day for profit like a battery pig by some bunch of pricks who aren’t even working for the government.

‘It will afford me a special sense of gratitude to reflect that the Alan Sugar reject ultimately responsible for my incarceration could only have landed the contract because he knew George Osborne at Oxford.’


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