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‘PRIDE AND PREJUDICE’ TO REPLACE BIBLE

In Uncategorized on January 28, 2013 at 8:02 pm

The Queen has approved a proposal from the Archbishop of Canterbury to replace the Bible with Pride and Prejudice.

The move follows a report from the General Synod which concluded that the Bible was ‘a bit old-fashioned’ and ‘too explicit and unsettling in places.’

‘Given that catastrophic global warming is now a dead certainty,’ the Archbishop said yesterday, ‘we thought all that stuff at the end about the apocalypse would feel a bit too close to the knuckle to modern readers.

‘And the bits about avoiding war and giving all your stuff away to the poor might well give serious offence.

‘Instead, we’ve opted for a book which succeeds in making an age of global revolution and upheaval sound like a vicarage tea-party in a chintzy suburb of Hobbiton.

‘This is exactly the kind of fatuous evasiveness which, as a church, we have always encouraged, and which we feel to be especially timely in the present day and age when people don’t want to be made to feel uncomfortable.

‘It helps that people actually read it, as well, or at least watch one or two of the several billion film and TV adaptations which flood our screens every year. We’ve had half a dozen BBC Prides and Prejudices, an equal number of movie Prides and Prejudices, the Indian Bride and Prejudice, cypberpunk Pride and Prejudice, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and Pride and Prejudice on the Titanic, and soon, no doubt, we will all be thrilling to a 3-D blockbuster Fifty Shades of Pride and Prejudice. And that’s not to mention Bridget Jones movies.

‘By contrast, nobody at all has actually read the Bible for decades, apart from atheists who keep thinking they’re the first person ever to forward that hoary old Facebook thing about selling your daughter and not entering the temple on pain of death if you’ve hurt yourself in the bollocks. Which, I think, is not exactly the reaction the Bible was originally intended to elicit.’

A Downing Street spokesman applauded the move, saying:

‘On the one hand there’s a book with bits about proclaiming good news to the poor and liberation for captives, and on the other there’s a light drawing-room comedy about bone-idle parasites subsisting on the profits of gigantic Caribbean slave plantations which are never even mentioned in the text.

‘Which of those two books is going to appeal most strongly to Conservatives, do you reckon?’

The Education Secretary, Mr. Michael Gove, said: ‘Nineteenth century good. Return to rigour. Whirr, click.’

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