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Archive for February, 2013|Monthly archive page

JESS ENNIS HONOURS QUEEN

In Uncategorized on February 28, 2013 at 6:46 pm

Jessica Ennis, the Olympic gold medallist, yesterday recognised the Queen’s contribution to things – whatever that might be – by condescending to allow the senior aristocrat, landowner and unelected head of a supposedly democratic state to pin a medal to her brand new frock.

Her Majesty has never won a medal; whatever she got, she inherited, and she’s never actually done all that much.

At least, nothing she’d want noised about.

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TESCO ROUNDS ON PICKY EATERS

In Uncategorized on February 27, 2013 at 8:06 pm

Tesco yesterday warned that prices would soar if shoppers forced them to use beef in products labelled ‘beef.’

‘Don’t mind me,’ said Donald Read, the chairman of Tesco’s, yesterday. ‘I work like a slave, day in, day out, to put food in the supermarkets, and if you lot want beef in the box marked beef, and not (say) horse or iguana … well, it’s your money. I’ll do the best I can.

‘My mother warned me about bringing up a picky eater.

‘Honestly, you treat this place like a hotel. Now just go back downstairs and apologise to your mother, she’s had a hard day.’

WORLD WAR CRISIS

In Uncategorized on February 26, 2013 at 1:32 pm

The Defence Ministry is running out of reasons to hand out new World War Two decorations and memorials, a mere 68 years after the end of the war, it has been revealed.

Defence chiefs estimate they will run out of reasons to keep droning on endlessly about the war, as early as 2018.

‘It’s been a busy year,’ said General Sir Jeremy Richard Clarkson-Hammond, chief of the defence staff. ‘Since the commission of a monument to Bomber Command, the peerage for Spitfire Pilots’ Pet Dogs and Mascots, and the creation of a new medal for wartime goldfish who survived the Blitz with unspilt water, the cold fact is we’re simply running out of subject matter. Big as it was, the war was not, after all, infinite in its scope. There were some baddies involved, too, and we can hardly hand out medals to people like that. So the necessarily adversarial nature of warfare does tend to narrow down the options, unfortunately.

‘We did consider a special royal commendation for Germans Who Weren’t As Bad As The Other Germans, but most of Prince Philip’s immediate family would have failed to make the grade.

‘It would be little short of a catastrophe if we ran out of reasons to drone on about the war all the time. Because, really, we still had an empire in the war. Just about. And having an empire is very useful when you’re trying to keep the general populace steeped in that perfect mix of smug xenophobia, brittle paranoia, and delusional grievance.

‘Obviously we can’t go around wallowing openly in imperial nostalgia. It wouldn’t be deemed politically correct.

‘But if we just dribble on interminably about the Blitz, and the Normandy landings, and the Battle of Britain, and the Colditz escapes, so forth, we hope people will just pick up the point by implication. It’s history and heritage, not propaganda, so the lefty lesbians can’t say a word about it.

‘But after 2018, if current trends continue, all eighty million casualties of the Second World War will have been decorated or commemorated by the British government, so we won’t be able to pull that track any more, quite so easily.

‘We could, of course, just have another war. If the Americans let us. They probably won’t mind, since they’ve just about forgotten where Britain is, and they don’t give a stuff what we do. But if they do object, we’ll just have to content ourselves with another royal jubilee.

‘Maybe we could tie it in with a national Jane Austen festival and a re-run of Shakespeare’s history plays on BBC4.

‘We could get Gove to organise it.’

REAL NEWS DETECTED IN NEWS MEDIA

In Uncategorized on February 25, 2013 at 3:51 pm

Faint traces of some actual news have been detected in the news media.

Professor Darren Parker, of the Institute for Clever Machines, said:

‘It’s momentous – a bit like picking up transmissions from aliens in a remote galaxy.

‘The only difference is, nobody’s got a vested interest in diverting your attention away from alien transmissions.’

Friday Colour Supplement

In Uncategorized on February 22, 2013 at 11:21 am

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Special advertising feature

TAX DODGERS NAMED AND SHAMED

In Uncategorized on February 21, 2013 at 5:26 pm

The HMRC has adopted a policy of naming and shaming tax defaulters, provided they’re poor and common.

Don’t mention Prince Charles,’ said the bailiffs yesterday.

SHOCK AS PAMPERED, AGGRESSIVE ALPHA MALE KILLS WIFE

In Uncategorized on February 20, 2013 at 8:11 am

The world was reeling with shock yesterday at the news that a spoiled, pumped-up, fabulously selfish young man had apparently killed his wife for no reason.

‘Nobody could have seen this coming,’ said Dirk van Speedjiouws of the South African Sports Ministry. ‘I mean, he was such a nice guy. He was a real regular guy at school: a bully, a jock, very good at competitive sports. All his life we’ve been telling him what a great guy he is for ruthlessly crushing the competition in a series of ritualised contests of brute strength and naked, zero-sum self-interest.

‘He and his wife are both thin, ripped, blonde, blue-eyed role models for young people everywhere. They show us what you can achieve, provided you’re prepared to be a big enough asshole.

‘His wife was young and pretty and about to launch her own career, just as his career looked like it was about to top out.

‘None of us know how this could possibly have happened, especially after the O.J. Simpson case.’

CAMERON TRADE VISIT

In Uncategorized on February 19, 2013 at 9:13 am

Mr David Cameron, the Prime Minister, touched down at Doncaster yesterday leading a trade delegation to Britain’s former colony, Northern England.

Speaking from the tarmac at Robin Hood airport, he celebrated the ‘historic links’ between Britain and Northern England.

‘A generation ago,’ he said. ‘men of my age and class would have regarded you lot as a bunch of bestial, tripe-munching semi-humans.

‘And we still do. But we can’t say that kind of thing out loud any more, so we’re up here to press flesh, and shake you all down for a few more bob.’

The news came as the Department for International Development announced fresh curbs on the numbers of Northern English who would be allowed to emigrate to Britain.

Mr Boris Jonnson, the Mayor of Britain, said:

‘We must celebrate the unique cultural contribution of the Northern English to British life, whatever it is. Sir Danny Boyle‘s from up there somewhere, isn’t he?’

Sheffield Council have been unavailable for comment since their landline was disconnected.

The Prime Minister of India, Mr Manmohan Singh, said: ‘Who is that guy? Anyway, gotta dash. I’m meeting the Belgians at half eleven.’

STOP THINKING YOU’RE BETTER THAN THE REST OF US, SAYS MAN WHO THINKS HE’S BETTER THAN THE REST OF US

In Uncategorized on February 18, 2013 at 9:08 am

The Work and Pensions Secretary, Iain Buncombe-Smith, has hit out at people who think they’re too good to stack shelves, like him.

‘I didn’t get where I am today by sitting on my backside whining about my geography degree,’ he thundered.

I got where I am today by marrying rich people.

‘In all my years in politics, and traipsing around the sherry circuit on the squalid, tweed-and-buckshot-scented fringes of the English aristocracy, I’ve never once received a fair day’s wage for a decent day’s hard work. Never once.

‘I don’t see why these whining so-called students should be treated any different.

‘They shouldn’t get a fair day’s wage for a decent day’s hard work either.’

TORY BY-ELECTION SUCCESS

In Uncategorized on February 14, 2013 at 5:34 pm

The Conservative Party was yesterday celebrating the political ‘comeback of the century’ after they managed to find someone worse than Chris Huhne to stand in the Eastleigh by-election.

The party chairman, Eric Pimple, said: ‘It was a tough job, but we’re satisfied we rose to the challenge.

‘Nobody now will be able to say that the Lib Dems are the nastiest party in the Coalition.’

The Conservatives have vowed to scrupulously avoid negative campaigning in the by-election, but everyone has told them not to bother.

‘They’re the Conservatives,’ a source said yesterday. ‘Everyone knows what they’re like. So they might as well just do some negative campaigning.

‘If they only ever mentioned things they genuinely felt positive about, then they’d have to just abandon politics and run a series of seminars on Downton Abbey, Victorian prisons, and the bombing of Hamburg. Things like that.’