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N.H.S.: CAMERON APOLOGISES

In Uncategorized on February 7, 2013 at 11:11 am

The Prime Minister, Mr. David Cameron, has issued another apology.

Nobody can quite work out what it’s for.

Dr Derek Morgan, of the Institute for Political Linguistics, said:

‘We think it’s something to do with the NHS, but if you analyse his sentences gramatically, they are bereft of meaning. They’re not language. They just sound like it.’

The Prime Minister’s remarks came as Frank Fisher finally published his six-volume report into the state of the NHS.

Despite scathing criticism of a blame-shifting management culture in the Health Service, obsessed with putting profits before patients, Mr Fisher stopped short of naming and shaming individuals.

‘There didn’t seem to be much point,’ he explained. ‘Margaret Thatcher retired years ago. And everyone else seems to have forgotten all about her. For some reason.’

Meanwhile, Mr Cameron condemned the state of the NHS in the strongest possible terms, and said he was working actively on solutions.

‘We have a blame-shifting management culture in the Health Service, obsessed with putting profits before patients,’ he said, ‘and the way to fix that, obviously, is to keep parachuting in the fat-cat Tory managers from the private sector, just like we always do.

‘Patients will, of course, continue to die. But statistics show that the deaths will be concentrated in Labour-voting areas. Eliminating Labour voters will compensate for our recent failure to move all the constituency boundaries around in our favour, and these patients can easily be blamed for their own deaths, since we have successfully created a topsy-turvy world in which it’s generally assumed that it’s poor people who eat too much rich food.

‘If that doesn’t work, we’ll blame the actual doctors and nurses, which is piss-easy because they’re in the front line doing some actual work. The saps.

‘Anyway, the main thing is, we’ll all get our loot. Don’t you worry about that, sunshine. We always do.’

‘Shit, did I say that out loud? Oh, no, of course not.

‘I keep forgetting that this is a spoof blog and none of this is really happening.’

*

With acknowledgements.

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  1. Spot on as usual.

    Cheers, Cliff

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