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In Uncategorized on February 26, 2013 at 1:32 pm

The Defence Ministry is running out of reasons to hand out new World War Two decorations and memorials, a mere 68 years after the end of the war, it has been revealed.

Defence chiefs estimate they will run out of reasons to keep droning on endlessly about the war, as early as 2018.

‘It’s been a busy year,’ said General Sir Jeremy Richard Clarkson-Hammond, chief of the defence staff. ‘Since the commission of a monument to Bomber Command, the peerage for Spitfire Pilots’ Pet Dogs and Mascots, and the creation of a new medal for wartime goldfish who survived the Blitz with unspilt water, the cold fact is we’re simply running out of subject matter. Big as it was, the war was not, after all, infinite in its scope. There were some baddies involved, too, and we can hardly hand out medals to people like that. So the necessarily adversarial nature of warfare does tend to narrow down the options, unfortunately.

‘We did consider a special royal commendation for Germans Who Weren’t As Bad As The Other Germans, but most of Prince Philip’s immediate family would have failed to make the grade.

‘It would be little short of a catastrophe if we ran out of reasons to drone on about the war all the time. Because, really, we still had an empire in the war. Just about. And having an empire is very useful when you’re trying to keep the general populace steeped in that perfect mix of smug xenophobia, brittle paranoia, and delusional grievance.

‘Obviously we can’t go around wallowing openly in imperial nostalgia. It wouldn’t be deemed politically correct.

‘But if we just dribble on interminably about the Blitz, and the Normandy landings, and the Battle of Britain, and the Colditz escapes, so forth, we hope people will just pick up the point by implication. It’s history and heritage, not propaganda, so the lefty lesbians can’t say a word about it.

‘But after 2018, if current trends continue, all eighty million casualties of the Second World War will have been decorated or commemorated by the British government, so we won’t be able to pull that track any more, quite so easily.

‘We could, of course, just have another war. If the Americans let us. They probably won’t mind, since they’ve just about forgotten where Britain is, and they don’t give a stuff what we do. But if they do object, we’ll just have to content ourselves with another royal jubilee.

‘Maybe we could tie it in with a national Jane Austen festival and a re-run of Shakespeare’s history plays on BBC4.

‘We could get Gove to organise it.’


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